Jealousy of the past: causes and methods of struggle

The past is the baggage of experience. Of different things. There are things in this suitcase that evoke pleasant memories and a smile, there are those that you want to hold in your hands and feel like time has returned, and there are those that you don’t want to look at. Such “artifacts” in family baggage sometimes turn out to be past relationships of spouses.

The focus of jealousy on the past can be different. More often than not, a husband is jealous of his wife (or vice versa) for his former spouse or lover. Spouses may be jealous of each other for a child from a previous marriage. Left a man or woman may be jealous of the son or daughter of the former, born to him already in a new marriage. It happens that even jealous ex-boyfriend or girlfriend of their loved one is jealous. Sometimes this may resemble a mental disorder.

Jealousy can be both a real relationship between the former and a product of a rich imagination. Consider the main causes of jealousy.

• Weak will and self-doubt. A man implies steadfastness, strength of mind, confidence in the chosen path and his actions. This is when prudent parents raised him and did not suppress these qualities in him. A boy spoiled and overly patronized in childhood, as an adult, will consider that everything belongs to him, including his woman with all her personal space. Her communication with a former partner can give rise to a sense of ownership in him, and then he will require either a permanent report or a permanent stay at home to the detriment of her career or passion.If in childhood a guy was often suppressed and jerked, then adults will constantly doubt his solvency as a man, compare himself with others not for the better, and worry that his girlfriend will choose an ex who seems more worthy to him than he does.

• Bad past experience. It often happens that a man already experienced spousal infidelity in relationships with other women. If a certain behavior of a former lover led to a betrayal (for example, she carefully dressed up before a meeting with her ex), then in the subconscious mind such behavior is recorded as the fact of a betrayal. In a new relationship, a similar behavior of a partner will be a signal of betrayal, although the girl has nothing wrong with her thoughts and careful self-care is just a good habit.
• Frequent contacts of former lovers. If the wife is in constant correspondence or often calls up, meets with the former, then, of course, this can hurt her husband. Although these meetings may be due to the common affairs or the affairs of joint children. Then a jealous person can transfer his irritation to children.
• Mental disorder. This option also happens. Most often, this is an acquired deviation from the norm as a result of a combination of previous causes that contribute to severe stress. Stress breaks the protective mechanisms of the psyche, and human behavior becomes inadequate. It manifests itself in the pursuit of a partner, the demand for a constant and immediate report, increased suspicion.

• Lack of self-confidence. Suspicion to a greater extent than men is inherent in women. And if a girl in childhood was underestimated, her female dignity was belittled, then, as an adult, she will live with the feeling that she is an inferior woman, mother, and mistress. These feelings do not allow her to reveal herself fully and sharpened by doubts, she compares herself with a potential rival and tries to clarify her solvency through a partner. She can constantly ask him about their relationship, how they spent time together, what words he told her. In this option, jealousy can spread to the children of a man from a previous marriage.
• What reminds her of the former. The partner himself talks about the former companion, describes the moments of their life together, shows the places where they rested together, stores the things donated to her. It is easier for a woman, naturally endowed with emotionality, to imagine what feelings he felt for the former and to project them into the present. The gifts of the previous ones, which really carry a piece of the former owner, can annoy just as much, and female imagination on this basis will paint a picture of treason.
• Meeting a partner with a former woman. It can be personal meetings or phone calls and chatting. Former partners can contact on common business or, if it is reliably known that they have no common business and so on, something more brings them together.

Jealous of our partner for the past, we plunge into the unreal world, that is, while we are in the grip of negative feelings, we do not live the present moment, but are mentally present in the stories already passed. It is possible to stop being jealous of a guy for an ex-girlfriend or a wife for an ex-lover. And it depends primarily on the jealous. Although, those who are jealous can also be given a couple of tips.

If you have a trusting relationship with your partner, then you will not feel irritation in response to a change in his behavior, but the suffering of a loved one. Try to support him, just do not regret, it will humiliate the partner, do not regret the words that will help him to feel significant and worthy. If jealousy is unfounded, try talking with your soul mate openly, if possible in a friendly atmosphere.Find out what exactly hurts the partner. Your sincere attention alone may be enough to exhaust the confrontation between you.

It is possible that you yourself noticed or noticed after a conversation that you provoke your loved one to jealousy. Maybe you often talk about past relationships or showcase things donated during this period. If so, think about it - why do you need self-affirmation?

Now let's figure out what needs to be done to overcome jealousy.

Let's get back to the reasons for female jealousy.

• Self-doubt. Try to remember who and when told you or made it clear that you are not dressing like that, not behaving like a woman and, in general, a poor housewife? Remember these or similar negative statements. This is important in order to understand that they do not belong to you. These phrases were once accidentally or intentionally uttered by your parents or other relatives, friends, those whom you very much believed, and therefore took these very words for truth. Now bother a little more and find your own statements. Give yourself time for this process and for their maturation. Train daily, because the life scenario can not be redone in an instant.
• He often recalls the ex, talks about her. Whether he wants to provoke your jealousy or simply sets out the facts, but you feel frustration, pain, hatred or other feelings that destroy you. To convey this to your husband, it is not necessary to ulcerate, get him nit-picking, or beat dishes. You can report your condition in more gentle ways. The most successful of them is a frank conversation. In fact, you want him to know about your feelings. So tell him about them. Only when you feel that you can speak calmly, choose a moment. The purpose of such a conversation is not to convince the partner what a villain he is, but to convey his feelings to him.

• Your husband is dating a former lover. They really can have common business and this is normal. Why would he create enemies around him? The maintenance of normal, human relations may indicate his conflict-freeness, and the fact that he does not hide them from you - his honesty before you. An interesting point: by the way he speaks of the female qualities of the ex or other girls, one can often judge his attitude towards the female sex in general. If there is no obvious reason for jealousy, try to use the situation to your advantage, keep your finger on the pulse. If this still does not give you peace, you should talk heart-to-heart with your man, not insulting him, but sharing your feelings.

Which of the reasons described below makes you jealous of your companion?

• Heightened self-esteem. Do you seriously think that someone may belong to you? Then keep in mind that in life there will be (or are already happening) situations where you will be considered the object of someone's belonging.
• Increased suspiciousness. When in childhood your parents or loved ones, sincerely wishing you only good and believing that they will raise strong-willed qualities in you, pushed, ridiculed you for a noble act towards a girl, jerked when you showed assertiveness and independence in defending your opinion, in a mental image has formed in your subconscious mind: I am ridiculous, awkward and have no right to my opinion or something like that. Defining the installation data that you currently live in is the first step to finding yourself real. This process is not quick, but it is worth it to implement it.
• Jealousy from past failures with women. This process is easier to control because it is more conscious and easy to track.Despite the similarity of some aspects of your previous and current relationships, you still need to understand that your companions are completely different people. Therefore, it is important to separate the past and the present, consciously fixing yourself on this.
• The wife often communicates with the former. All issues are resolved if resolved peacefully. Irritability and discontent are only repelled. Talking with your companion will help you cope with feelings. Tell her about your doubts. Your measured, balanced thoughts, calm and confident, but not assertive tone will do the job, and you can convey to your spouse what you want. In order for the dialogue to take place, it is imperative to listen to the answer, without making premature conclusions, but letting the other half speak out.

If you are jealous of the children of your companion, then you yourself are still an immature person. Because a stable and stable personality is generally difficult to unbalance, such a person knows his own worth and appreciates and respects the feelings of other people.

The connection between the child and the parent is a bright feeling, the experience of parenting is incomparable happiness! If you have such an experience, it’s easier for you to understand the partner, and if not, open your heart. Understand that true love is a state where you experience it for everyone and everything that surrounds you and your companion. She is pervasive and does not divide the family into yours-mine. Look for this feeling, take care of its tremulous manifestations, and your life will take on a new meaning, and joy will settle in your heart. After that, you will notice how your attitude towards children in general, towards the children of your spouse, and indeed your spouse, is changing.

People with low self-esteem should learn to share their and other people's feelings, thoughts, opinions. Destructive thoughts that have visited you, which disrupt inner harmony, interfere with communication with loved ones, can and should be learned to let go. To do this, define such a thought in a way convenient for yourself: name, color, shape, or, if so perceived, smell, touch. This will help to clarify its presentation.

Thank her for science (thanks to her, you can now get to know yourself better), forgive her for disturbing you, forgive the one who helped strengthen her in you and mentally let her go. The thought and feeling released by you can fly off in your imagination like a balloon or dissolve in fog, or disappear somehow differently.

Psychological trauma due to the breakdown of a previous relationship. Living in the past is one and the same thing as being in virtual reality. To learn how to live in the present, try to do a simple exercise: choose a convenient time, place (preferably alone) and within five minutes (you can set a timer), note what feelings you notice, what thoughts, feelings, desires come to you. Practice it regularly, and you will notice for yourself that you are more and more in the present, and you yourself more and more feel yourself as the present.

In the case of a mental disorder based on jealousy, the degree of awareness of the deviation by the jealous plays a role in resolving the problem. If he is aware of his condition and the reasons that led to him, you can try to independently work out the problem using the techniques described in the article. If you can’t cope on your own, you should turn to a therapist for help.

To learn how to stop being jealous of the past, see the next video.