How to decide to divorce and painlessly part?

Relationships in marriage sometimes add up to a destructive scenario. And in this case, sooner or later, a person faces the question of divorce. But it is not so easy to decide on it - years spent together, children, general loans and duties. In deciding on a divorce, it is important to make a "diagnosis" correctly, then the question of how to decide on a divorce will not seem insoluble.

Formally, marriages break up for a variety of reasons: the husband has a lover, the woman has a lover, the marriage has outlived itself and there are no more common interests, spiritual and physical closeness, scandals have become frequent. But behind each such formal reason there are true reasons, which lead to marital infidelity, to other partner misconduct. If the reasons go unnoticed, if they are deliberately ignored, do not decide, if the solution is impossible, the relations begin to develop in a destructive pattern. In it, partners cannot be happy by definition, over time, internal conflict only intensifies, tension grows, saving a marriage becomes impossible.

There is only one way out of a destructive family - divorce. In order not to make a mistake, you need to know exactly the signs of the destruction of relations. The fact that your relationship has become toxic, dangerous is indicated by some characteristic signs.

• Increasingly, you feel that you are losing yourself, you understand perfectly well that you are being manipulated, but there is nothing you can do about it.
• You spend too much energy, strength and nerves on maintaining relationships - this does not give you the opportunity to fully communicate with others, to work with all the best.
• You depend on the mood and desires of the partner emotionally and physically.
• The problems of your soulmate become yours, you solve them instead of your own problems, to the detriment of yourself.
• You are afraid to appear in front of a real partner, as you are, because you are afraid that you will be rejected by the present. You are often criticized in important matters and in small things (from work to choosing the color of clothes).

• They do not reckon with your desires, they are not even interested in them, they are not taken into account. No respect, you are being insulted, humiliated. Your needs (even natural ones) are not taken into account.
• You completely lack personal space (hobbies, friends, free time).
• You are being abused (physical, psychological, economic).

It is time to get rid of them if changing something is not possible. The following factors can be considered additional factors that only aggravate the situation:

• the marriage was hasty; the decision was not well thought out;
• a big age difference between husband and wife;
• the social status of partners is very different;
• the level of education of partners is different;
• different goals and aspirations, outlooks on life;
• partners are representatives of different nationalities, cultures and religions.

• lack of common goals;
• lack of emotional and sexual connection;
• addiction to alcohol, drugs;
• violence of any type (tyrant is not only physical).

Periods of crisis can happen in the life of every family - they should never be confused with destruction. A crisis is a temporary phenomenon caused by recent circumstances and causes. In this case, both partners are generally ready for compromise and dialogue.

One can distinguish a crisis from a destructive pathological relationship by honestly answering several questions.

• Are the majority of controversial or controversial situations in the family becoming a conflict (or even a fight)?
• Are accusations and insults the norm? Swear words sound more often than gentle?
• How often does the partner recall mistakes of another, blame him, shame?
• Is there any respect for your words, opinion, needs?
• Does the partner support your desire for personal growth?
• Is everything all right in your sexual relationship?

Women's magazines and forums are full of tips "keep marriage at all costs." In the case of destructive marital relations, maintaining a marriage is dangerous for the life, health, and development of children. In most cases, a divorce cannot be avoided if:

• marriage is built on the sacrifice of one of the partners (one sacrifices himself and his life, plans, interests for the well-being of the other);
• in marriage there is assault, sexual abuse, bullying;
• one of the partners drinks or uses drugs, while refusing to acknowledge his illness and be treated;
• the family has a cult of personality and tyranny (one of the partners suppresses the second, deprives him of the right to speech, opinion, decision, prohibits communication with friends, relatives, tightly controls all the affairs and financial expenses of the second side);
• the family has accumulated many abandoned, unresolved conflict situations in time, while there is no intimate life;

• one or both partners do not have the desire to work to maintain relationships;
• there is a pathological unreasonable paranoid or manic jealousy, from which the jealous partner flatly refuses to be treated by a psychotherapist or psychiatrist, not recognizing the fact of his illness;
• parents cannot agree on parenting.

In this list, as you see, there is no betrayal. There are many couples who with difficulty, but confidently went through it, forgave and saved the family, relations in it became better. If desired, such problems are mutually resolved without the need for divorce. To make it easier for you to “make an accurate diagnosis,” honestly answer another important question: “Is the cause of disagreement and misunderstanding removable?”. Answer not theoretically, but in relation to your circumstances (theoretically, drug addiction is curable, and alcoholics become exemplary, in practice, these are isolated cases).

Take the verdict and take action to save yourself, your life and the psyche of your child, if any.

A divorce is not just a second stamp on your passport or a humiliating litigation regarding the division of property and children. This is, first of all, mental trauma (regardless of who initiated the breakup of the marriage). Psychologists quite justifiably compare parting with the loss of a loved one (death). Divorce is experienced precisely as a loss, so it is very, very difficult to voluntarily go to such experiences.

Each person has a certain amount of fear for his own future, since a divorce will change his present. While the woman is married, she tries not to think about how many divorced women in search of new personal happiness remain single or meet partners who are much worse than the former. A married woman is a certain status in society, his loss seems shameful, shameful.

Men are more afraid of being abandoned than initiators of divorce, since it is important for them to emerge victorious from any situation. Fear for their own self-esteem, including in the eyes of others, as well as unwillingness to change the usual comfortable course of events, often prevents them from deciding to terminate an outdated marriage.

Divorce will require the mobilization of internal resources, changes in the way of life of all participants in the process, while the future turns out to be unobvious, foggy - this is the main deterrent. But in the case of destruction, when divorce is the only reasonable solution to overcome a personal and family crisis, it is worth paying attention to the other side - that personal freedom that the solution will give.

Usually a vicious circle is obtained: we decide on a divorce - we are afraid of the consequences - we change our minds and justify our refusal to make a decision (temporary). And so for years. Sooner or later, this circle will have to be broken at any stage: after deciding whether to divorce, you must forbid yourself to think about the consequences or imagine only the positive aspects of divorce. After the application is submitted, do not try to justify your doubts.

Leaving with them of their own free will can be very painful. But here you need to figure it out - is it love? Most often, people confuse dependence, fear of loneliness, shame, an obscure future with high tender feelings for a partner. If you sort things out and know exactly what you’re afraid of losing, it may turn out that you don’t have any love for a long time, but it’s much easier to get divorced from an unloved one. There are other situations that need a separate explanation.

Happiness next to a drunk or hangover person who does not control his words and actions is impossible.Surely you made attempts to talk, influence, cure, rid him of addiction. If there is no result, you should not rely on it. Now the addict apologizes in the morning, tries to make amends, but it will take a little time, and he will stop doing this if he realizes that you have reconciled to his addiction. And then your any protest against alcohol will cause aggression, anger, inappropriate behavior in your partner.

It’s better to take up your own life, because being the second half of an alcoholic or drug addict means putting your life in danger. The sooner such relationships are broken, the less likely it is that a partner will develop so-called co-dependency.

Yes, an alcoholic can be very sorry. But to regret the one who does not spare you and yourself is an empty occupation. The more a drinker is spared, the more reasons he has for self-pity, and, accordingly, for taking another dose of alcohol. Alcoholics are very good at manipulating loved ones, they put pressure on pity, but remember that this is just a manipulation. A healthy relationship cannot be built on it.

You should not once again speak and remind of how painfully children suffer the divorce of their parents. We’d better talk about how they endure rejection in the event of a pathological marriage, because few people speak honestly about this. Imagine that the relationship decided to maintain for the sake of children. Spouses live different lives, they do not have unity and common goals, they are constantly in tension, as if they were forced to always be with strangers. Their tension sooner or later begins to cause psychosomatic diseases in children. Children of any age perfectly feel understatedness, tension. They cannot express it in words, they cannot live and forget, because they are compelled to be in this situation constantly.

Very problematic adolescents grow out of these children, who, with age, get the opportunity to protest with destructive behavior. And then society receives adults who do not know how to build normal relations with the opposite sex, do not know how to value and express warm feelings, lie. Do you want such a future for your kids? Keep a destructive marriage. Do you want children to grow up happy? Get a divorce. Give them an example of overcoming destruction, rejecting pathological relationships. Over time, they will all understand. It makes no difference whether you have one child, two or three. If relations develop according to a destructive scenario, they are dangerous for the psyche and health of all children.

There are no painless divorces. You have to go through several stages of accepting grief: from the complete denial of reality to anger, depression, humility and acceptance. But acceptance will be anyway. If you remember that these experiences and stages are natural in the event of separation, then it will be easier to survive.

To part, if a decision is made, you need with dignity. Try to explain your decision as much as possible: speak with your partner evenly, calmly, convincingly, give arguments, do not insult him, do not humiliate him. Conversation is very important so that there are no unresolved conflicts. With a civil or official partner, with or without children - try to be correct. The only exceptions are cases where it is obviously clear that the partner does not apprehend the conversation adequately: if the alcoholic partner does not let go, he controls totally, if the tyrant partner does not want to hear anything about your decision, if he begins to threaten, blackmail, raise his hand, then the conversation better to exclude.

Leave quietly, carefully so as not to provoke an inadequate partner to aggression. You can enlist the support of loved ones or friends, ask them to help you take out your belongings, or be present while you leave — this will reduce the likelihood of physical abuse. Do not become a victim of manipulation; evaluate your partner’s motives correctly. Do not spare yourself and him. It is one thing to leave someone you love and respect, and quite another to leave a person who is potentially dangerous for you and your children.

When considering this difficult decision, remember some important rules.

• Forget self-pity for yourself and your partner. Make a decision without taking this feeling into account.
• Try on any argument “for yourself” - whether you need it, whether it will be useful specifically for you.
• Do not decide for others. Have questions - ask.
• More often imagine what advantages your decision will have.