How to survive a divorce from her husband?

Divorce is a difficult event, which in many respects, from the point of view of psychology, is similar to the loss of a loved one. The emotional picture of a person undergoing a divorce and experiencing a loss is almost identical. The female psyche has its own characteristics, and therefore the stages of rehabilitation after a divorce in the fair sex do not proceed like in men. To survive the breakup easier, you need to know what lies ahead.

Women are more sensitive, pay more attention to emotions and feelings, give them more space in their daily lives. And therefore, a woman can “leave” a divorce painlessly only in one case: if there are no children, and at the same time she leaves her husband for her beloved man, who had previously been a lover. But even in this case, the fair sex for some time will experience difficulties with a sense of guilt. How big this complex will be depends on the individual traits of the woman, her upbringing, ethics.

In all other cases, even if the woman herself made the decision to divorce, as the only sure measure (the husband drank, took drugs, beat, did not want to work), the range of experiences will be quite impressive. The most painful situation for a woman is connected with a divorce after the betrayal of a spouse, with a divorce on his initiative for no apparent reason, since female self-esteem suffers greatly, a feeling of personal inferiority may arise.

The female psyche is somewhat hypertrophic, increases suffering, but it also has positive aspects: women by nature are more labile, they adapt more quickly to new conditions, ladies have more developed intuition, and therefore they begin to feel when suffering comes to an end and it is time to start planning life further. They better distinguish one emotion from another, and therefore it is easier for them to understand themselves, but for full self-analysis and self-help, ladies sometimes lack strong analytical and rational thinking.

The first thing you need to understand is that divorce changes life radically. Everyday duties and rhythm of life are changing, new tasks appear, for example, financial ones. If you have children, now you have to organize their lives in a new way - this can be much more difficult than organizing your own. Everything that a woman will feel, regardless of age and social status, the presence of children, will proceed according to certain laws of psychology.

After a divorce, the greatest fear is associated with the fear of the unknown. To help a woman cope with him, let’s try to tell what awaits her in the near future after a divorce, what processes will take place in her mind, subconscious, in her heart and soul. This will help to better identify their condition and understand which stage is already behind and which is still to come.

In fact, this is the first reaction to a divorce. The stage can begin before the divorce, during the divorce process or immediately after it. It depends on the temperament and speed of perception of events by a particular woman. The following happens - she denies everything, what is happening seems unreal, as if everything was happening not with her, but in a dream, in a movie, with someone else. She cannot accept what happened, cannot evaluate it, believe in what is happening. Even if in fact the couple has already broken up, a woman may experience denial and not believe in the seriousness of what is happening.

The condition resembles a shock, perception is impaired, the arguments are useless, the woman does not hear them yet. It seems to her that you just need to wait, go to sleep and everything will be as before. At this stage, nothing needs to be done: no actions, no conversations with sympathetic friends. The shock will recede pretty quickly.

The shock, like a high-quality anesthesia, somewhat dulled the perception, so that reality does not fall upon the psyche with all its frightening volume. As soon as the shock passes, pain is felt. This is quite natural, although very difficult. There is a feeling that the pain fills everything inside - it is constant, aching, not allowing to concentrate on something. A woman sees the whole world through the prism of pain. In everything she sees a reminder of the past. Pain can also become tangible: some have psychosomatic pains in the heart, while others have headaches and toothache. The future is seen foggy, and more often than not seen at all. The woman sets herself the task of surviving.

There is almost no pain at this stage. Already sick. But there is strong and annoying anger and a lot of resentment. For some, it takes on the scale of hatred. This stage is quite dangerous for a woman - she can get sick, chronic diseases can worsen. Under the influence of resentment, you can do a lot of ugly and even criminal acts.

This stage is the most insidious of the stages of experiencing divorce.At some point, a desire comes to forgive a partner, a woman finds multiple explanations for what happened, and she blames herself in many ways. There is a hope that after correcting their shortcomings, it will be possible to reunite, regain happiness with a person. A woman becomes very active and active. He begins to tidy himself up, loses weight, dyes his hair and changes his wardrobe. These actions resemble hysteria, because they surrender to them with all the fervor. But they are not dangerous, even useful.

What is dangerous is activity in trying to arrange a meeting with the ex, interrogation of how he lives, attempts to track down the ex-husband, sending him messages, calls at any time of the day. It’s hard to stop - it seems to the woman that she has found the root of the problem, she is enthusiastic and sees the goal. But she is devoid of self-criticism, self-control, logical abilities. She does not think about the consequences. It is during this period that people write to magicians and fortune-tellers, they conjure, go to church and come up with various ingenious situations with fictitious diseases and problems in order to lure the former to a meeting. In most cases, all these actions are completely useless.

Addiction to a situation does not begin in the most pleasant circumstances. After the stage of activity, a period of recession and depression sets in. The woman is tired, she is powerless. She feels like a failure, prefers to be alone, loses her appetite, and often her desire to live in general. To disappointment is added sincere regret and shame for everything that she managed to do in the process of the previous stage. It is hard to say how long depression will last. You cannot stay without help at this stage.

There must be someone near and dear who will make the woman eat, go to work. Let her do everything mechanically, but she does it. Having a baby helps at this stage. It requires care, attention, care - the maternal instinct usually always defeats the depressive desire to lie and look at the ceiling.

A sign of overcoming depression is the beginning of introspection. A woman begins to look at herself and her actions from the side, she gets the opportunity to evaluate them and see the situation as it is. This is a great time to overestimate the system of your values, work with grievances, get rid of them. After forgiving yourself and your ex-husband, you can begin to choose a vector for further movement - what to do, what to do, whether to change jobs, the city, whether to start parachuting, whether to go on a trip. A lot of horizons and opportunities are opening up.

Acceptance has occurred. The woman understands perfectly what happened and how. No resentment, no anger or desire for revenge. Life begins to play with new colors, there are very specific new plans. Following recovery of positive plans helps to recover and finally recover. There is no desire at all costs to return her husband, to renew relations. There is an internal readiness for new relationships that will not be for the sake of revenge on the former, but for the sake of personal happiness.

I would like to dwell specifically on this stage, since the success of leaving the post-divorce state depends on how the depression will be lived. This stage is most dangerous for women with hypersensitivity, very anxious, suspicious, vulnerable, infantile, accustomed to being looked after and patronized. It is this type of fair sex that needs qualified psychological assistance, since they have a higher risk of transition of psychogenic depression to endogenous - then the condition will become a mental illness.

It is difficult to evaluate the potential possibilities of your own psyche yourself. Therefore, the best thing you can do at the first sign of depression is to fix the date of its onset and warn someone you trust about it. If signs of depressive disorder subside within two weeks, nothing needs to be done. If the clinical picture only grows, then after two weeks you should contact a psychiatrist or psychotherapist for the appointment of adequate therapy.

You need to pay attention to the classic picture of the psychiatric signs of clinical depression:

• bouts of gloomy and dreary moods are repeated every day and intensify in the morning, before lunch;
• a woman ceases to enjoy all that she liked before, ceases to show interest in the new, loses her appetite;
• there is an external motor inhibition, emotional reactions proceed very slowly.

Gthe main thing in getting out of this state is correct psychotherapy. It is important for someone who will be with a woman at this difficult moment for her to know that psychological support helps with mild forms of depression. If the condition is serious, it is better to get an appointment with a doctor for antidepressant drugs, sedatives. In this case, the treatment will be complex.

Useful relaxing massage, meditation, auto-training with programming for positive attitudes in the future. With the right support, speaking out their experiences, thoughts, emotions, keeping a diary of self-observation, depressive disorder recedes in about 1-1.5 months. But the condition can last even longer if the woman is melancholic or choleric from birth.

As for self-help measures, a woman should never refuse help if her relatives offer it. Useful physical activity, walks. Effectively demonstrates the method of planning free time - the more the lady is busy with something, the less time she will have for the experience. A change of place may turn out to be very useful - a trip to nature, to a country house, to a neighboring city, to a resort.

In a state of depressive disorder, as in other stages after a divorce, it is important to avoid alcohol and drugs. They do not bring relief, do not solve problems. Moreover, while a person is intoxicated, his brain does not handle the main problem, that is, the experience slows down, and the recovery process drags on.

No less harmful and sorry for yourself. This is very convenient - it’s more comfortable for a woman, but the victim’s position doesn’t bring any relief at all, but only pushes him further into the future. Do not allow yourself and others to feel sorry for. It is not necessary to sort out in the head and discuss with others the ugly actions of the former. Do not discuss it with friends and relatives.

After living at all stages of getting out of a personal drama, the question of how to learn to live on will not be the most important, because understanding what needs to be done will come by itself. However, there are situations that should be considered separately. The woman’s behavior will no longer be the same, such a life experience necessarily leaves its mark on her personality and character.

It may be easier for some women to start an independent life, for others the very thought of it seems unbearable. Psychologists advise all ladies, without exception, not to perceive divorce as an apocalypse and a catastrophe of a planetary scale. Marriage is important, but that's not all. There are other things important for human happiness: friendship, a state of harmony with oneself, professional achievements and goals, creativity, caring for children. And even if you have been married for many years and it seems that you still love the former, if the betrayal has crippled you, this is not the end, this is the beginning of a new life in which you can write everything anew, in a different way.

Look around - you will see many people who are not married and at the same time happy. They raise children, reach heights in their work, easily begin personal relationships, they are surrounded by friends and live a full, eventful life. Watch them. Their secret is that they have long understood: happiness is not in the ring on the finger and not in the stamp in the passport, but in the soul. If he is not, no marriage will make a woman happy.

Separately, we should talk about some situations that may aggravate rehabilitation after a divorce.

An infantile woman is not only the heroine of jokes and series, but also a phenomenon that is quite common in life. In childhood, parents took all care of their daughter, they solved all her problems, protected from any troubles, then the spouse intercepted the baton - he supported his wife, provided with everything necessary, he made all key decisions according to the scheme familiar to her from childhood. And here is a divorce.

The collapse of a marriage for such a woman is akin to the end of the world. After all, she not only loses her marriage, but also falls out of her comfort zone. On the other hand, this situation should be regarded as a starting position. Now is the right time to learn to be independent and self-sufficient. A lot depends on those who will be around in difficult times for women. It is strictly forbidden to feel sorry for her, but it is necessary to direct and motivate: find a job, start making money, start making decisions on your own.

In some cases, it is worth contacting a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist who will teach you how to become more decisive, how to mobilize your strength. The process of gaining independence, if it is active and active, can significantly facilitate emotional experiences after a divorce, because a woman’s life will be filled with a lot of new impressions, experiences, acquaintances and events.

The ex-threatening and aggressive behavior, if a woman knows that theoretically and practically a man can put his threats into action, should be a clear signal for her to start a defensive campaign. First of all, you need to change the door locks, visit the district police officer and tell him about the existing threats. If they are associated with a threat to life and health, a threat to abduct and take away a child, you should write a statement to the police.

In this case, the former should in no case be shown his fear. There are people who threaten only for self-affirmation, they are fueled by other people's fear and excitement. Seeing that a woman is panicking and afraid, the ex-husband gets an illusory feeling that he can still control her life.

It is better not to go into an open conflict with aggressive exes. Change the phone number, warn colleagues at work so that they do not invite you to the phone if an angry ex-spouse calls. Ask someone from your friends or colleagues to escort you from work, warn about possible problems of the teacher in the kindergarten that the child is visiting.

Divorce during pregnancy most often occurs in young couples, but this can also happen in couples with any family experience. The main thing that you need to remember the future mother and ex-wife in one person - stress is very dangerous for the baby. Under the influence of experiences, a woman produces stress hormones that partially block the production of sex hormones. This is fraught with miscarriage, premature birth, pregnancy complications, impaired growth and development of the baby.

The most important motivation for a pregnant woman after a divorce is the birth of a healthy child, whom she can raise and raise as a worthy person. It’s better to focus on exactly this - go to courses for expectant mothers, go shopping with cute things for babies, start buying your favorite cute little things and toys, bottles and nipples.

Regardless of whether the relations of the former spouses remained good or bad, it is better for a woman not to meet and not to have contact with her ex before giving birth. Excessive experiences (and they are inevitable at a meeting) can only do much harm. After the baby is born, the couple can calmly discuss what is next - whether the man will participate in the upbringing of the baby, what his help will be, etc.

A pregnant woman who is left alone is doubly sad - she worries about herself and the child. Therefore, she especially needs the support of friends and relatives. It is important not to refuse help, to save one’s own strength, to remember every day that the health and condition of the baby depends on your thoughts and feelings. You are his only defense and hope, you simply do not have the right to fail the child, to endanger him.

The child is another member of the divorce. He, like you, has a hard time. It will be good if you immediately enter into an alliance with the child, since both of you now need each other's support. Do not hide from the baby what happened, but refrain from unpleasant details, but do not pretend that nothing happened at all. Children of beauty feel lies and tension.

What is dangerous is a lie in the relationship between mother and child - everyone knows. The child will grow up and answer the same. But the tension that the mother will try to disguise as fatigue, malaise, will surely find a way out - in conditions of emotional depression of adults, children begin to get sick more often.

It’s best to honestly tell your baby that you are worried, that it’s difficult for you, but together you will surely cope with everything. Remember that it is bad for both of them, build your leisure time together - make it a rule to go to the park, to the cinema or the entertainment center, to the museum or to the zoo once a week. New sensations will help you distract from painful and unpleasant thoughts.

Divorce does not always mean the end of feelings. It often happens that a divorce certificate is already on hand, and feelings in the soul for the former are still alive. For such women, the most dangerous is the stage of false hopes. They can come to humiliation, to the loss of self-esteem, they can promise the ex to do everything he wants to restore relations.

Even if there are any feelings in the soul, this does not give you the right to destroy your own dignity and self-esteem. Humiliated and offended is usually difficult to love and accept. They love very different people - self-confident, self-sufficient, courageous and happy. Become one. Statistics say that about 15% of couples after a divorce converge again after some time. If your case is exactly the same, then yours will not go away from you.The time that you spend separately should be used with maximum efficiency - put yourself in order, lose weight, find new friends and an exciting hobby, radiate happiness. Do not humble yourself, do not persecute the former - men also need time to reassess their values ​​and become aware of actions. If you are not one of those 15% who give their families a second chance, then in the time taken to bring yourself to good shape and well-being, you will realize that you are no longer waiting for this, as before, it will be easier to accept a final separation.

There are several universal tips that you should print and hang in a prominent place. They will certainly support you in difficult times, help you survive difficult days and pull yourself together.

• No one should meet the expectations of others. Both you and your ex-man have the right to be what everyone wants to be individually.
• Do not go to extremes.
• Every day, learn something new (in any field).
• Do a good and disinterested work every day (help neighbors, colleagues, strangers). Your self-esteem will begin to rise in a few days.
• You have enough strength, courage, courage and experience to start a new life. Do not limit your dreams, do not limit yourself only to dreams - bring to life.
• Each stage of life has its own life lesson. Try to understand what she decided to teach you through divorce (patience, humility, forgiveness, independence, gratitude for friendship and support).
• All will pass.