How to survive a divorce?

Divorce is always a difficult, traumatic situation. Both women and men experience family breakdown rather painfully. Of course, a lot depends on how significant the relationship was for partners, who initiated the breakup, what events preceded the decision to divorce.

Divorce changes a person’s life, therefore, his psychological state is evaluated according to criteria that are applicable to people who have lost a loved one due to tragedy, death, illness. The psychology of loss is fully and fully applicable to former spouses for a number of reasons:

• there is an internal "vacuum";
• the pace and rhythm of life changes;
• both the daily routine and the usual actions change;
• self-pity appears.

Regardless of what reasons led to the termination of the marriage, a person goes through several stages of adaptation to new conditions. If the divorce caused pain, grief, then there will be several stages of recovery. It is important to pass them one after another, sequentially.

• Complete denial. Man does not believe that what is happening is reality.Everything seems to be happening not with him, but with someone else, as if in a dream, not in reality. The state is close in its mechanism to a shock - reality cannot be perceived as it is. The shock just needs to endure.
• It is painful and scary. This stage, when the shock, which performed the function of anesthesia, recedes. The problem and the situation are falling all over. The pain is felt even at the physical level - someone hurts in the chest space, their head breaks, and some people worsen old diseases and have joint, muscle, somatic pains. At this stage, a person does not see the future, he does not know where to go, what to do, and this inspires primitive fear. Fortunately, this painful stage usually does not last so long, and feelings are transformed into something else.
• Anger and hatred. This is an unpleasant, even nasty, but inevitable transformation. Pain and fear turn into anger. There is resentment, closely implicated in rage, and sometimes hatred. At this stage, you can get sick, cough up with fever, pneumonia, acute inflammatory disease of any organ, if the hatred is too strong.
• Forgiveness and hope. The person partially forgives and justifies the partner, finds reasonable explanations of his position. Anger passes, but there is a feeling of guilt and hope - suddenly he returns, regrets his decision. The worst thing that can be done at this stage is to start looking for a meeting with a former marriage partner. It is difficult to stop a person: he is encouraged by the prospect of getting rid of pain and grief in one fell swoop, having just restored marriage. A person loses self-criticism, self-control, becomes inventive and very energetic.

• Depression, decline. This is a completely natural state after emotional activity and the work done at the previous stage. There is a recession, a person feels himself in the abyss of loneliness, feels like a failure, unnecessary, to blame for everything. Classical symptoms of depressive disorder may be observed: you don’t feel like eating, getting up and going to work, there is no desire to meet someone, no goals, aspirations, joy. Having reached the lowest point of falling into an emotional peak, a person freezes, freezes and begins to slowly gain height - the next stage begins.
• Introspection. On the way from the pit up, a man seems to look at himself from the side - so he begins to see reality as it is. Angry at her no longer has strength, the pain has dulled, anger is no more. Well, if there is already no offense, but most often it is still present inside, hidden and disguised. At this stage, the opportunity to plan for the future is included. A person can part with resentment, fear and already find ways to arrange his life further: he chooses what to do, changes his hobbies, makes new friends, begins to go out into the world, but so far he’s very fearful and cautious, risking at any time to “lose altitude again ", Get depressed and start to rise again.
• Adoption. This stage is final. A person fully accepts and understands a fait accompli. He does not feel anger and anger, said goodbye to resentment, his wounded pride almost recovered, plans appeared, hopes for personal happiness, self-realization.

Only the systematic experience of each stage will help to recover and recover, not leave life-long injuries in the soul. At each of them there will certainly meet people who will convince that it is necessary to “give a damn” about everything, to cheer up and live to the fullest. But it is important to survive everything, without exception. A new relationship should not be started before the stage of full adoption passes, so as not to make another big mistake.

All important decisions that need to be made at one or another stage of recovery will be dictated and caused only by those feelings that are characteristic of the stage. If a person is at the stage of anger, then a new relationship or act against the former partner will be aggression, hatred and revenge. If he is at the stage of depression, then all decisions will be an attempt to calm loneliness, but they will not bring results, because loneliness is still inside.

Women usually come out of the emotional crisis longer than men. This is due to the characteristics of the psyche of the fair sex. For them, divorce is a great stress, because they attach more importance to relationships than men. Each stage of recovery can be greatly extended if the woman is choleric or melancholic. It will be difficult not to lose heart, and in some places it will not be possible to avoid it.

Guilty feelings can complicate the situation - women often torment themselves for what they did not commit. This is facilitated by the presence of unfinished feelings for the former spouse, because if love has not passed, then it can be more difficult to accept each of the stages of recovery. A woman can survive a divorce painlessly only if it was she who initiated it, and she did not go into the "emptiness", but to a specific man, who is now the whole world for her.

There are also nuances in the circumstances of a divorce.

• After treason. Divorce after adultery is weighed down by resentment. The woman is overwhelmed with indignation: she was betrayed, she was unjustly treated. Treason is regarded as betrayal. It is easier to survive the period after the divorce by the psychological practices of forgiveness, of which there are quite a few. It is important to forgive the ex-husband, to let go of his resentment. After the adoption phase, you need to calm down and start arranging your own life.
• With child. Parting if spouses have children is always harder for a woman, since responsibility for the future of the baby falls on her with a huge burden. There is a social dogma that states that a child needs both a mother and a father. But there is no biological need for a father, as nature clearly shows, in which few of the mammalian males remain next to the offspring after his birth. After a divorce, it is important for a woman with a small child not only to learn how to live alone (to do without a man in everyday life), but also to live without regard to others. If there is a child, then the woman is no longer considered lonely. Children very often help to easily survive a divorce, because being distracted by their needs and activities with them, a woman more smoothly experiences the difficult stages of overcoming loss.

It is important to know that forgetting your husband, as some ladies want, is impossible. A woman will remember this man all his life, since he is part of her personal history, biography. Therefore, after the adoption takes place, it is worth considering options for cooperation with the former, especially if there is a child. Failed spouses are sometimes excellent partners in raising children and business.

Features of the psyche of men are less obsessed with feelings and emotions and more focused on their own future. The hardest stages for men are shock and pain.

The first and second stages of a way out of the situation for them are fraught with withdrawal, flight into alcohol, drugs. It is important to avoid this at the initial stage - then the stages will be easier and softer.Do not think about his wife, if the divorce occurred on her initiative, will not work. You just need to control your thoughts and direct them in a positive direction.

After a divorce, a man diligently seeks his place in life, overestimates the system of values, analyzes and “puts on the shelves” his failed family life. Samoedy is rarely characteristic of the male sex - they surrender to the stage of anger and irritation with great enthusiasm, since they are more aggressive by nature. It’s easier for them to blame the wife.

The search for a new love, into which some fall after the anger has released, usually does not bring relief. Intrigues and casual partners are a variant of revenge, but it will not become easier from the heart. A man will help a man to cope with his personal drama, work and a new hobby, chatting with friends, but by no means leaving for a “breakaway”.

Whether the stage of recession and depression becomes pathological depends on the individual characteristics of the person. Vulnerable, infantile, dependent people, for whom the very existence of a family is extremely important, may well become patients in a psychiatric hospital if they fail to pull themselves together and cope with a depressed state. Owners of a stronger psyche usually overcome the period with less loss.

If depression occurs solely as a reaction to loss, then experts speak of psychogenic depression. She does not need medical treatment, but only if it lasts no more than two weeks. If the condition is delayed, then it is important to consult a doctor - there are great risks of missing the moment when the acute condition becomes chronic.

If there were prerequisites for mental disorders, about which a person usually does not know anything, then depression can develop with significant changes in the hormonal background, damage to the structures of the brain. This condition is called endogenous. It needs medical attention.

A depressive state often develops in women, but it is more difficult to treat it in men. Male nature does not allow you to cry, express emotions. Men are more restrained, so they "drive" their feelings and grievances so deep inside that only a qualified psychotherapist can get them out of there. Men often deny the presence of depression, referring to a bad mood, fatigue. They often develop into a chronic mental illness.

It is often impossible to get out of depression alone - a woman and a man need the support of a close friend, girlfriend, relative. You cannot lock yourself in and limit your communication with the world, you must not be silent - it is important to tell your “assistant” - the listener - about his feelings. Speaking will help to quickly approach the stage of adoption, the said fears become not so great, and resentment through speech is spoken and gone.

At the stage of depression, it is important to plan your life as much as possible: every hour should be scheduled. Work, reading, dog walking, activities with the child, going to the store - you need to plan everything to the smallest detail. No matter how much you want to feel sorry for yourself and stay longer in bed, cry and look at one point, you need to raise yourself in time, make yourself wash, get ready for work.

Do not violate your plan, no matter what happens. This is important for creating a space where everything is clear and predictable a few steps forward. This is exactly what a person with a depressive disorder lacks.

The more things a person has, the less time will be left for negative thoughts. If you are not at all able to force yourself to do something, and this condition has been lasting for more than two weeks, then you need to contact a psychotherapist or psychiatrist to prescribe adequate therapy.

The answer to this question can be formulated by several rules that it is advisable for divorced spouses to print and hang in a prominent place.

• Neither women nor men after a divorce should flood the mountain with alcohol. They temporarily give the illusion of relief, but while a person is intoxicated, the psyche does not process information about divorce, there is no advance forward from stage to stage. Thus, alcohol is a sure way not only to get alcoholism, but also to prolong your suffering, to make them unbearable. Narcotic substances act in the same way.
• Do not allow yourself and others to feel sorry for yourself. "Poor guy" and "bad luck" - this is not about you. To feel sorry for oneself from one's own or someone else's filing is a sure way to go into a black and hopeless depression.

• Do not scold the former partner and disseminate negative information about him. This is especially true of the intimate aspects of personal life, some secrets that the former husband or ex-wife would like to keep secret. The insult will one day pass, and full acceptance will come. But the reputation will be tarnished due to unpleasant statements about the partner, and it will be difficult to establish partnerships with the former in the future. Both deserve respect, regardless of the reasons for the divorce.
• No need to humiliate yourself, do not try to return your partner at any cost. About 15% of the couples after the divorce converge again after some time. But you shouldn’t strongly hope for this, and even more so you should not pursue the former (former), send him (her) 300 messages a day, including at night.

In women, according to statistics, the exit from the post-divorce state takes from 1 to 2 years. Men cope with their emotions and decide to start anew early: after six months or a little more. The consequences of a divorce are usually rarely negative. If the relationship was painful, pathological, then divorce is good. It remains only to wait a bit, realize this and live on.

It is usually possible to establish personal life after a divorce after 2-3 years, some earlier. According to statistics, up to 75% of women from 20 to 30 years old, up to 52% of women from 30 to 40 years old, and even up to 20% of women from 40 years and older re-enter into marriage or civil relations. Men are more in demand - up to 95% of divorced men create new families, regardless of their age.

Psychologists advise taking time after a divorce not as a period of disaster and collapse, but as the beginning of new opportunities that were previously inaccessible, impossible. Now all horizons are open - you can choose any and start moving towards the goal.

Marriage is an important part of a person’s life. But far from all life is friendship. There are goals, creativity and professional achievements, there are travel and communication, children and the joy of seeing how they grow. Many live a happy and eventful life without marriage. Having understood this, it will be easier to accept a divorce with the thought that life has not ended.

Age should not be a stress factor - and after 40 years, and after 50 a divorce, although painful, but gives all the same advantages as a divorce after 25 years. The main thing is not to be afraid to live and not to blame yourself.