How to stop being jealous?

Jealousy is one of the most ancient feelings inherent in man. At the dawn of the birth of civilization, it was this feeling that allowed creating tribes: jealousy and aggressive reaction of males did not allow other members of the stronger sex to continue the clan with representatives of this flame. Then jealousy led to the formation of a monogamous family. But this ancient feeling does not leave our contemporaries alone, and in a given situation, almost everyone feels it, regardless of gender, age, social status and profession. This article will discuss how to cope with this very difficult feeling and stop tormenting yourself and others with suspicions.

Jealousy in our lives is not limited to loving relationships. There is jealousy for children; there is jealousy for friends and colleagues. Any of these species is characterized by a strong emotional “storm”. The feelings of one who is jealous may be different in nuances; in general, any jealousy is always based on two main feelings: on fear of losing something (love, the object of this love, self-worth, authority and weight) and on anger directed at an object that "encroaches" on this personal one that belongs only to you.

Needless to say, both anger and fear are destructive feelings that gradually destroy the personality and health of not only one who is jealous, but also one who becomes the object of jealousy. This is especially noticeable in the case of paranoid, unhealthy jealousy, due to which murders and suicides are often committed.

In psychology, several types of jealousy are distinguished, each of which is dangerous in its own way. The most simple and accurate formulation was presented by the modern Ukrainian psychologist Daniela Puertas, who summarized the works of Sigmund Freud and other eminent specialists and brought their theories into one concept.

• Paranoid jealousy - a state of mental distress, a paranoid-delusional personality disorder in which a jealous person has unproven confidence in treason, and may also believe that the cheater regularly tries to poison him or get rid of him in another way.

• Narcissistic jealousy - a condition in which a jealous man is afraid to lose the object of love as a component of his own personality, this is more a manifestation of great love for himself, and not for another person.

• Psychopathic jealousy - a state of psychopathy, very dangerous for all participants in the situation, is characterized by unpredictability of jealous reactions and spontaneous attacks of anger.

• Masochistic jealousy - suffering for the sake of suffering. If there is no fact of betrayal, the “sufferer” invents it and pities himself, not displaying aggression, but trying to cause pity for everyone around him.

• Schizoid jealousy - It is peculiar to unemotional people who are in their own way beneficial to maintain in themselves the idea of ​​treason, since this gives them with a clear conscience to keep distance from the partner.

• Hysterical jealousy - always applies exclusively to physical, sexual adultery (fictitious or real), while the world of feelings of love and affection is irrelevant, that is, the jealous is concerned only with the fact of possible bodily infidelity. It is stormy.

• Obsessive-compulsive jealousy - “on duty”, suspicion of internal obligations. Most often, it is formed due to the ideas imposed in childhood that love can be shown only when certain conditions are fulfilled (lessons learned, room cleaned). It manifests itself as a boring, daily ritual: to check the partner’s phone number, to find out who wrote what to him, where he was.

In modern psychotherapy, several types of jealousy are distinguished by their emotional color. Type determination is very important in order to understand how to help a person get rid of destructive thoughts and behavior.

• White - not pathological, not painful jealousy, characteristic from time to time to every mentally normal person. There is no aggression, excessive suspicion, obsessive distrust, dangerous behavior. The jealous is adequate, listens to the voice of reason, to arguments, facts. Often such jealousy allows you to "refresh" the relationship in a pair, especially if they last a long time.

• Blue - Jealousy with signs of increased anxiety. If you do not help a person, then it can transform into a neurotic disorder. It manifests itself as a violation of normal perception, bouts of tears, depressive moods, sleep disturbance.

• Green - on the verge of mental pathology, since the idea is gradually degenerating into an obsession. Most often proceeds against the background of an existing neurotic state. In 20% of cases, a person manages to be "returned" to reality, in the rest - jealousy degenerates into pathological.

• Red - the most dangerous, pathological, paranoid. It is accompanied by delirium, while a person himself does not distinguish fiction from the truth, and considers his absurdity the only truth. Needs psychiatric treatment, often with medication.

This ancient feeling, if not curbed in time, can undermine human health.At the mental level, paranoia, schizophrenia can develop, at the psychosomatic level - oncological diseases, impaired vision, hearing.

But even at the initial stage, long before the development of a disease or mental disorder, jealousy causes physiological changes: a person begins to sleep worse, he suffers from an appetite, he becomes more distracted and inattentive to everything that has nothing to do with his jealousy, and is painful to any little thing that may be related to it.

If your plans do not include divorce, separation, placement in a psychiatric hospital for treatment, and you are disgusted by the idea that your partner will need to be monitored in order to find evidence of his infidelity, then it's time to think about how to get rid of this unpleasant and dangerous feeling.

Since male and female jealousy has some differences in the mechanisms and manifestations, recommendations for elimination are different for both.

Male jealousy is often directly related to low self-esteem. That is why disastrous thoughts creep in that someone else may be better in bed, can earn more. The most reasonable way out of this state for a representative of the stronger sex will be to increase their own self-esteem. Sign up to the gym, get your body in good shape, change work to more interesting (and possibly better paid), find yourself a hobby that will give you the opportunity to get rid of excess adrenaline: jump with a parachute, go to the mountains, fly on paragliders . If this is not acceptable for you, find a less extreme hobby, the main thing is that it increases your value in your own eyes.

Think about it, because she chose you and not the other. This means that a relationship with you means more to her than it might seem at first glance. Women are more attached to the hearth, to the family, and according to statistics, they change much less often than men.

Stop suspecting her, checking her mobile phone when she is in the bathroom, reading her messages and rummaging through the history of site visits. If she was looking there for an answer to the question of how to become sexier, this does not mean at all that the girl decided to increase her sexuality for someone else. With a high degree of probability, she does this for you.

About everything that excites, it is better to talk openly. This will help to build confidence in the relationship that women value very, very much, and personally will help you get rid of baseless jealousy. It is also recommended to use psychological defense methods against new attacks of jealousy. They consist in the fact that for every thought about the possible infidelity of a girlfriend, a man, with his characteristic rationalization thinking, you need to find at least three logical arguments, arguments of fact.

For example: “she certainly didn’t stay at work!” - logical reasons may be: “her organization at this time is no longer working,” “I saw her leaving work ahead of time and leaving in an unknown direction,” “I know for sure that she was with her lover!” If there is no evidence of such arguments, there is nothing to worry about. For each statement, you should always give yourself a counterweight: yes, she was late, but she warned that she would come later, because she had to go to a store with her friend or call in to her mother. Trust your partner. With a rational male brain, always try to adhere to the "presumption of innocence."

The peculiarity of female jealousy is in the hypertrophy of internal experiences. Even normal, “white” jealousy may well cause an uncontrollable desire among the fair sex to rummage through her partner’s phone and get to the bottom of the truth. Here, the main thing is not to overdo it, because from a normal and moderate to pathological jealousy in a woman is one step.

Female jealousy is most often associated with a sense of threat to the family hearth. It seems to her that the usual way of life will necessarily collapse if her husband goes “to the left,” and, like men, the situation is influenced by low self-esteem.

What to do is a difficult question. Better to start with increased self-esteem: do your favorite hairstyle, upgrade your wardrobe, lose a few extra pounds, find yourself a fascinating and interesting hobby. This will help not only to distract from unpleasant thoughts and suspicions, but also increase your value in the eyes of your partner.

Talk with a partner. An adequate and loving man will be able to understand your feelings, and will also be able to dispel doubts. Avoid surveillance, a huge number of calls per day demanding to tell where the man is now, what he is doing. And certainly you don’t need to delve into his car or phone: control attempts will be sure to be noticed, and then it will be you who are in an uncomfortable position.

Try to plan more collaborative activities: from going to the store together (you just can't get the grocery bag to the trunk, it's hard!) to watching a football match together with a beer. Often take an interest in what is interesting to a man, learn to distinguish rugby from basketball, show him that you really like his hobby. And then the degree of trust will increase, and there will be less reasons for suspicion.

All of the above concerned jealousy unreasonable, without soil. But what if there is a reason or do you think it is? In this case, dealing with discomfort can be very difficult. Let us immediately clarify that a cause for jealousy can be objective and subjective. In the first case, a good reason to suspect infidelity lies in certain oddities of behavior (took off the ring, does not take with him for friendly gatherings and meetings, tries to avoid intimacy, is often delayed, acquaintances saw him with a stranger, does not come to sleep, someone is clearly in the car he rides except you, because the seat is pushed back in an unusual way, etc., in the end, you yourself saw a partner with a rival (rival) .Usually, there are several such reasons at once, their strength - in total.

Subjective reasons are your personal speculation. You are sure that the partner is cheating only because he is late at work, although you already know that his work is not normal. Do you think that cheating can only be because there is less sex in the family; it doesn’t even occur to you that the partner may have problems, including health, that he may actually be tired.

It is very difficult to distinguish sometimes objective from subjective. But there are not so many ways out of the situation:

• stop "cheating yourself", abandon suspicions and accusations, overcome your negative emotions and replace them with positive ones;

• start looking for concrete and irrefutable evidence of treason.

In the second case, you will get good reason to stop being jealous if the adultery does not find its confirmation.But it can cost you dearly: a partner who finds out about distrust can break off all relations with you.

Whatever the reasons given to you, they differ from the facts in their ambivalence and illusory nature. For each of them you can find a second, logical explanation, which has nothing to do with treason at all. If the relationship is expensive, there is no desire to spoil it with a partner, then it is better to try to cope with jealousy without embarking on the path of "self-taught detective."

This will help a few simple installations:

• no one is required to meet your expectations;

• everyone has the right to personal secrets, personal space and their own free time, even if people are married, because marriage is not a prison;

• jealous people quickly lose their partner’s respect, and with the departure of such an important feeling as respect, love also leaves, it doesn’t happen otherwise.

If you often repeat this to yourself and not do something that can destroy trust and respect, then stopping jealousy will not be as difficult as it seems. If you can’t overcome suspicions, you can’t trust, there are other difficulties in the relationship, it’s better to consult a specialist: a psychologist or a psychotherapist in person. It will be good if you also attract your beloved (beloved) to help yourself, and openly ask that a person support you in this difficult task - the fight against jealousy. Both of you are interested in this.

Quite often, and some time after the dissolution of the marriage or the termination of the relationship, the former spouses continue to heat each other's jealousy at a distance. This is rather not even jealousy, but petty “revenge” for the fact that hopes did not come true, the relationship did not materialize. At the same time, one of the partners flaunts his new relationship, does everything so that the former half finds out that there have been changes in the personal life of the former. The desire to show her (him) that you are not so bad that he (she) understood what gift of fate they lost, is understandable and even natural in its own way.

Why is the second partner "pecking" at it and starting to get jealous almost for real? The key word here is "almost." This is not so much jealousy as resentment, understatement, incompleteness of past relationships; it’s not a pity for a person not that the former partner met the other, but that “he, so good, found a replacement so quickly!” This is a cry of wounded pride and nothing more.

Dealing with this form of jealousy is quite simple: realize that you feel the insult, and also understand that this insult was the goal of the ex, who showed you his new life. Do not let yourself be manipulated. Stop suffering and take care of your personal life, which will allow you to give the former a few hours of unpleasant emotions about the fact that everything is fine with you too.

Jealousy of the past person has a completely different nature. It is especially difficult for men and women who associate themselves with a partner who has children from former marriages and who maintains friendly relations with ex-wives or husbands.

Doubts in this situation are not always groundless. To build a strong relationship with such a partner, you need to be sure that the relationship "there" with him ended. Unfortunately, former spouses often continue to meet from time to time and make intimate contacts, or just talk from a old memory for a glass of tea. Sooner or later, such protracted “bouts of nostalgia” will end, but do you have to wait and suffer? If the relationship is not completed until the end - the former often call each other, often correspond, meet - you need to put everything in its place and wait this period at a safe distance.

If the partner does not give reason to be jealous of the former, and his meetings are limited to meetings with children, besides, you have a serious relationship, you should not control the partner, you should not forbid him to communicate with his former family.It is unworthy, low and wrong. It is necessary to cope with jealousy quite often, but it is quite possible to defeat it. All misunderstandings in this case will help solve a confidential conversation.

The so-called friendly jealousy is not a common phenomenon among adults and independent people, usually it is characteristic of children and adolescents. If an adult is jealous of a friend or girlfriend for other mutual acquaintances - this is a sign of psychological and emotional immaturityby virtue of which a person is simply "stuck in childhood." The attitude towards such friends is usually always sympathetic and a little compassionate, as they regret an unreasonable and moody child. If a friend begins to “act up” a little more, then pity is replaced by irritation and the fact of friendship is put under a big question mark. It is much easier for many to remove such a person from the circle of friends than to endure his whims and jealousy.

Think about all this if you suddenly feel resentment and a jealous feeling bubbling inside, if your close friend, without saying anything, went fishing, picnic or at sea with other friends, and you (the closest person since kindergarten!) did not put about it. Friends do not owe each other anything. They do not have to say where and with whom they go, where they want to spend a day off. Do not transfer the feeling of jealousy to relationships such as friendships.

A completely different jealousy is the jealousy of one's half towards existing friends. At the same time, they are jealous of both their comrades and their partner comrades. It's very easy to play and become a real tyrant, which will interfere with the joint trips of friends to the cinema or to the club, meetings of classmates and classmates.

Understand that your partner will not be happier from the fact that you discourage all his friends from him, and you alone will never be able to replace him with all the necessary range of communication. Leaving a partner alone, you risk that one day he will leave you too: he will no longer get used to losses. In addition, he will always blame you for the fact that he does not have communication outside the family circle.

Learn to mentally put yourself in the place of your comrade. And in this case, the situation may look completely different. This method will require some skill, psychological training and patience, but the results will not be long in coming. Getting rid of jealousy is a gradual process.

Never push on weaknesses: “You and I have experienced so much together, and you ...”, “When it was bad for you, because it was I who helped you!” Sincere and true friendship does not need such reminders, a friend is not valued for specific help in a particular situation, but just like that - the whole thing, with all the actions and statements.

If you become a victim of friendly jealousy, try to convey all these thoughts to a jealous, and also clearly indicate the boundaries of the permissible. Do not blame yourself, do not let a friend manipulate your life, in which you have the right to decide for yourself what and how to do.

If you are tormented by a feeling of jealousy, the advice of professional clinical psychologists will help to cope with it. Let's introduce them briefly.

• Honestly admit to yourself that you are “sick” and treat your jealousy precisely as an illness that needs to be cured.

• Be sure to try to find the cause of your feelings. If you can’t find the motive on your own, then contact a psychologist or any person you trust to tell everything and find the reasons together.

• Understand clearly what feelings you have in a fit of jealousy: resentment, wounded pride, anger, fear, or another feeling. This will help control your emotions.

• Learn to relate to yourself better: improve, learn, change work, image, learn to like yourself in the mirror.

• Plan your time clearly, try to keep yourself busy. Idleness is fertile ground for a variety of obsessive thoughts.

• Make positive corrections in your relationship with your loved one. Remember that anger creates anger, and total control is the desire to flee. Try to share good emotions, and in return will receive the same, which ultimately will help to increase the degree of trust in each other.

How to cope with jealousy and how to treat it, you will learn from the video below.