Jealousy: what is it, causes, signs and methods of deliverance

The assertion that the jealous necessarily loves is not always true, because jealousy is different, it is caused by different emotions and feelings, has different motives. Understanding the mechanisms of jealousy, knowledge of its types and consequences will help not only accurately determine the pathological jealous, but also provide answers to questions about how to cope with this unpleasant feeling.

Jealousy is a phenomenal quality of the human psyche, the origin of which scientists still argue. In psychology, there are quite a few definitions of this feeling, but not one fully expresses the whole essence of what a jealous person experiences. It is believed that jealousy is a vivid emotion expressing the need to maintain the sole possession of something. Authors of female novels and directors of TV shows habitually romanticize this feeling, but in fact there is nothing sublime in it - this, in fact, a sense of ownership, aggravated by the action of certain circumstances.

Jealousy has given a lot to man. Thanks to this feeling, people formed the institution of family and monogamous marriage. At the dawn of mankind, this feeling guarded the tribe from mixing blood with a neighboring tribe - men subconsciously, not having any knowledge from the field of psychology and psychiatry, vigilantly guarded women whom they considered their own from the encroachment of strangers. Nature created such a psychic mechanism in order to preserve the unique features of the tribe, its DNA.

Based on this, jealousy in the spectrum of its constituent emotions is very similar to what deceived people feel. A woman is jealous of a man, feeling the threat of losing a “source of resources” for herself and her offspring.

Male jealousy is usually similar and always goes along with feelings of self-infringement and inferiority. Man is given a certain thirst by nature to rule, subjugate, conquer. Therefore, he begins to be jealous just when he feels that he can lose, lose control and power.

Let's finally dispel the myth of the romance of jealousy and decompose it into constituent emotions. What our jealousy consists of:

• fear (to lose something meaningful, to be alone, to lose);
• anger, anger (on oneself, on a partner, on a possible opponent or rival);
• resentment (on oneself, on a partner);
• self-pity;
• anxiety.

As you can see, there is nothing romantic or pleasant on this list. There is no love, affection, tenderness, sexual desire in him. Jealousy does not always occur in a loving person, and a lover does not always experience this feeling. Thus, jealousy can be attributed to ancient, but rather destructive feelings. There is nothing constructive in it.

In a certain amount and form, everyone has jealousy. Even small children show something similar to this feeling when their familiar relationship with their mother is threatened (for example, at the birth of a second baby). This psychological reaction is not congenital, but is considered genetically determined, and it is characteristic of all representatives of the human race.

If it is adequate, normal, moderate, it does no harm to the jealous, nor to his partner, nor to his health. Destructive forms of jealousy can not only ruin a person’s relationship with others and the world, but can also cause serious mental and other diseases. The mechanisms of the development of ailments due to jealousy are considered by psychosomatics.

Excessive and pathological jealousy occupies one of the leading places among the causes of family conflicts, divorces, as well as murder and courage.

Jealousy of jealousy - discord. Psychologists distinguish several types of this feeling, all types have their own character, degree of danger and pathogenicity.

This is the most common type. One or another degree of low self-esteem affects every second person. Self-doubt is also characteristic of almost everyone. At the cost of certain efforts, a person creates self-esteem, but it is very fragile, vulnerable. His man is trying to protect throughout his life. Naturally, in the case of a potentially dangerous situation in which self-esteem may collapse completely, he reacts with zeal.

For him, it’s important not even that he has or doesn’t have feelings for his partner - it’s important at all costs to prevent a situation in which he will look like a laughing stock in the eyes of others. Such jealousy often happens without love at all, although the jealous himself sincerely believes in the statement "jealous means love."

Such jealousy is inherent in people who survived a difficult childhood, those who suffered punishment, humiliation, could not build normal constructive relationships with their peers. Adults with such a past are usually very vulnerable, touchy, sensitive.

Jealousy of this type is manifested by verbal attacks, insults, reproaches and reproaches.Jealous of this type themselves may well cheat on their soul mates, but they don’t see anything wrong with their own actions, since victory “on the side” only strengthens their personal fragile and not quite full self-esteem.

This is also a fairly common relationship scenario. In the emotional spectrum of a jealous person, fear of property loss prevails. For him, a wife is property, like a cat or a dog. Often, mothers are so jealous: if the attitude toward the son is possessive, then motherly jealousy is directed to the daughter-in-law, and sometimes to the friends of the grown child, who can no longer be only her property. It wants to belong to others.

If a person perceives the other as property, he values ​​it, because at the reflex level mechanisms have already developed for the emergence of pleasant emotions from possession. But anyone who can take it, encroach on it automatically causes strong anger and even aggression in the jealous. Often such jealousy is lived as a very strong offense, the objects of which become both those who are jealous and those who dare to take away property.

Love is present in such jealousy, but material, rational. Very often, such a jealous person may resort to revenge, ugly and even vile deeds, and is also prone to physical punishment of the offender and his "object of adoration and possession." Men with this type of jealousy can be quite violent.

This is a very delicate kind of jealousy. Usually it is closely related, according to psychoanalysts, to attention deficit in childhood. If all love, or most of it, went to a brother, sister, stepfather or stepmother, a child can grow up with a tremendous fear of losing a loved one. It is precisely such fear that underlies his jealousy. But from the previous type (possessive), such jealousy is distinguished by the absence of a relation to a person, as to something only his personal one. A man is simply panicky afraid of losing a loved one.

It manifests itself in episodes, and when a jealous person receives his portion of love and attention, he calms down for a while, stops torturing himself with conjectures. It is such jealous people who better than others know how to forgive the facts of betrayal, if they actually occur. They are ready to reconcile with the presence in the life of a partner of someone else, if only they would not abandon them themselves, remain with them. They are anxious, indecisive, never dare to arrange a showdown with assault, only occasionally will they remind their jealousy of weak and quiet reproaches.

Not a bit of love in such jealousy does not happen. A jealous person is not so much jealous as he has no idea what he really feels for his partner. One thing is obvious - the partner is not happy with something, and there is a huge need to change him (her), to influence him (her). But it is impossible to do it directly, and therefore a person falls into a zealous state, which is a projection of his own confused and unresolved feelings and problems.

This is a pathological jealousy, which very often accompanies some mental disorders, as well as an irrepressible craving for alcohol or drugs. It has a lot of paranoid. This is a disease, not love. The goal of the jealous is only one - to completely crush the other person, subjugate him to himself.

Very often, such jealousy is unfounded, evidence of the innocence of the partner is not taken into account by the jealous, he is jealous simply because the humiliation of the partner gives him sadistic pleasure. Develops gradually. At first, such behavior is even approved by society. This only fuels the jealous of his own sense of righteousness. It is hard to say how jealousy-paranoia can end.It does not pass by itself, does not decrease.

This is a typical pathological jealousy - a variety of the most dangerous conditions, which often become the causes of murders and suicides. Blind, manic jealousy can develop from any of the above types, but only if a person has certain mental prerequisites for this. The jealous do not need proof and common sense; she is sure of the fact of infidelity, betrayal. He does not want to hear and listen to any arguments.

At first, the jealous enjoys his suspicions. They give him masochistic pleasure. It makes no difference whether there is a fact of betrayal - in any case, a jealous person remains satisfied with himself (if there is no betrayal, he exhales with relief and praises himself for his vigilance, and if he does, he praises himself for his perspicacity and sharp mind). Then suspicions become fewer, they cease to please, you need to increase the "dosage" of experiences - this is how invented, unrealistic reasons appear.

Pathological jealousy is very rich in manifestations: from surveillance and espionage to violent scenes “from scratch”, from blackmail to restriction of freedom of a partner (closing him in an apartment, a total ban on communication with anyone), assault, violence, sexual violence take place and cruelty. Pathological jealous people need qualified psychiatric treatment, and if they refuse this, then they must be kept at a distance in order to maintain their own psyche, health and life.

A jealous person is not the best characteristic. It is unlikely that someone will consciously begin a relationship with a partner, knowing that he is a big jealous person. But at the initial stage of relations, it is usually very difficult to distinguish between normal, inherent from time to time, jealousy from a pathological, indefatigable feeling. Jealousy is quite destructive. It adversely affects both the one who is jealous and the one who is in the position of the victim. There is no big difference in what kind of feeling this is - the consequences can be negative.

Jealousy can break even a strong relationship. It can be a manipulation when a jealous person wants to achieve something, and unpleasant scenes can lead even a calm person out of himself. The accumulation of negative emotions that occurs in both participants in the process can gradually lead to the development of psychosomatic diseases. Living under stress is quite difficult. It means living with great limitations. The trust important for normal relations, respect for each other, initial emotional equality is lost.

Some advise using jealousy for the good, that is, sometimes manipulating it to revive feelings that have begun to fade, to light a spark of interest in the eyes of a partner. Sometimes this feeling really has such an effect - after reconciliation, feelings flare up and the relationship in a couple “comes to life”. But this effect is temporary. Each time, the couple will need more and more strong “shake-ups” in emotional color, little jealousy will become few, and this will be the beginning of the development of a pathological condition that is dangerous for both.

Allegations that jealousy can help to recognize true love sound absurd in general, especially since we already know that these concepts are almost not interconnected. The only plus that can be considered in this psychological process is the tendency of some jealous people to turn energy on themselves.

Jealousy can have a variety of reasons. Sometimes they are not even recognized by a person, that is, they exist only at a subconscious level. Let's see where jealousy comes from.

• Personality Disorders (in particular - narcissistic and disturbing). In the first case, a person is convinced that he is beautiful, he has no equal, he does not allow situations in which his authority could suffer. In the second, the opposite is true - there is uncertainty, fear of failure, the future.
• Low self-esteem. It can be such from childhood or appear under the influence of certain negative events, crashes and failures, after which a person develops a painful perception of his own person, insecurity in his abilities and advantages, distrust of people.
• Neurotic disorders (head injuries, some other disorders of the central nervous system).
• Physical disabilities and decreased sexual function (a kind of jealousy of low self-esteem).
• Defense mechanism (jealousy is a manipulation, the task of which is to distract the partner’s attention from his own betrayals, to switch his attention to conflict, to make excuses).
• Big difference in age. A pathological feeling arises every time when a misunderstanding of any kind arises between partners.
• Experience of betrayal, betrayal. The more traumatic and difficult the recovery period after the shock was, the greater the likelihood that a person will transfer their existing negative experience to any subsequent relationship and will be wary of a new partner.
• Difficult childhood (lack of love from parents).

The development of jealousy contributes to personal egoism, high self-esteem, addiction to alcoholic beverages and drugs. Even if a person has stopped drinking or taking drugs, undergoing treatment, he has an increased risk of impaired perception of reality in the future. There are a lot of pathological jealousies among former alcoholics.

Unfortunately, it is quite difficult to immediately recognize a pathological jealous person. This can be a very charming, intelligent, well-read, educated person, or timid and shy, passionately in love. There are hundreds and thousands of behaviors before the start of inappropriate reactions. But there is one feature by which one can, albeit indirectly, try to guess the increased tendency to jealousy. This is a vivid imagination, sexual fantasies, as well as a certain tendency to often return to the same thought, its obsession. It is such a set that quite often triggers in a person’s psyche modeling situations of betrayal, regardless of how weighty the reason given for this was (and whether it was at all).

A jealous partner is very easy to recognize:

• He blames baselessly. Any signs of attention, even those that are far from intimate, on the part of the surrounding representatives of the opposite sex, are perceived by a person as a hint of the possibility of sexual contact of his other half on the side: a colleague drove home, an old friend called, stayed in the entrance, talking with a neighbor - it all becomes cause for reproach. And if the partner was late at work or did not pick up the phone after they started calling him, this is an occasion to clarify the relationship.
• Attempts to control. The manifestations of this sign can be different: from questions about who and why called, why it is too late, where the partner goes and with whom to real espionage with checking the phone, correspondence in social networks, working out working and business connections, friends and acquaintances.It is important not to miss the moment when the jealous will try not only to check, but also to establish his own rules, to manipulate - to forbid to go or go somewhere, to forbid to communicate with old friends or colleagues outside the work process.
• Scandals and scenes. Here there can be a great many symptoms. Some triple the meticulous digging, others - a loud tantrum, while others generally prefer a public scene of jealousy in the eyes of neighbors, relatives or acquaintances. There are those who become silent and withdrawn, long and pointedly offended, restricts communication and sexual contacts.

In dealing with a jealous person, it’s important to know that his main goal is to make you feel guilty. Even if you have nothing to admit, there was no adultery, then, in the opinion of the jealous, you should sincerely repent that you gave him reason to doubt and suffer. Do not play along with him in this. Calmly and seriously explain that there are no reasons for worries, you have nothing to blame yourself for. If this is not enough, do not humiliate yourself, do not enter into conflict.

If jealousy is not an easy role-playing game that the couple started by mutual agreement to gain more acute sensations, then it makes no sense to talk about any benefit from it. Jealousy always destroys the relationships and personalities of people. Those who experience this negative set of emotions torment themselves, their sleep is disturbed, they are unable to adequately assess reality.

Living under the same roof with a jealous painful for the other side. That is why the partner, tired of the charges, files for divorce. Suffering adults cannot serve as a positive example for children if they are in the family. Scenes and scandals injure the children's psyche, in addition, there is a high probability that the child will take as a basis the behavior model of one of the parents. If an jealous person becomes an example, then such a child will practice suspicion and insults in his own family, and if the victim is an example, the grown child can shy away from any relationship and family, not wanting to become a victim.

At the physiological level (if what is said in the psychological aspect does not convince), we note that:

• at the time of intense jealousy, a person experiences emotions that increase the level of the hormone vasopressin in the blood (his task is to improve and increase the flow of blood to the muscles during exercise);
• the jealous produces more adrenaline and endorphin;
• excess of these hormones increases the likelihood of a stroke, heart attack;
• with a prolonged state of jealousy, anxiety increases;
• the production of stress hormones becomes constant;
• weight increases;
• disorders of sexual functions, infertility are observed (stress hormones partially inhibit the production of female and male sex hormones).

When your property (what you consider to be yours) risks being seized by someone else, there is no time to analyze the situation. Look for differences in order to understand that this is a sense of ownership or jealousy, no one will. Nature provides only two options: to give or fight for their own until the last breath. Therefore, it is desirable to know the differences not even to the most jealous, but to the one who has become the object of jealousy.

A sense of ownership, which is said in a jealous person, usually does not exclude the concept of love, but this love is specific: the partner does not even think to give you freedom of choice. If a partner decides everything for you and only confronts you with a fact, then this is most likely the feeling of ownership.The partner, who is led by the fear of losing his own, rather than love, is distinguished by increased irritability when the property becomes uncomfortable (does or says something that he should not do and say well).

A loving person never robs a partner:

• selection rights;
• voting rights;
• self esteem and dignity.

If you are jealous and have already come to the conclusion that it is time to get rid of jealousy, you are halfway to success. To accept this fact is the most difficult thing. More precisely, to take responsibility for jealous experiences - you created them yourself.

Usually, the method of replacing negative thoughts and images with positive ones helps a lot: for example, every time insidious and vile thoughts creep into a partner’s address, remember one good event from your life together, one happy, previously lived day. This will help supplant fear and resentment, replace them with gratitude, joy and recognition for the partner.

If jealousy has acquired signs of a pathological one, and a jealous person does not want and cannot do anything with her, the other half has only two options: either endure and put his life at risk every day and hour, or leave. Remaining with a person is possible only on one condition: he agrees to a visit to a psychiatrist, prescribing treatment, since such jealousy is not qualified by experts as a whim or a character trait, but as a "paranoid delusional personality disorder." There are many professional methods: from drugs to hypnotherapy, which can alleviate the condition and reduce the negative manifestations of delusional jealousy. It is impossible not to treat it - the condition is progressing.

In order to defeat jealousy in yourself, until it became a mental illness, you need to follow the advice of psychologists.

• Stop any actions that are not conducive to the interests of your love (cancel the surveillance, the effort of will is to stop reading messages and social networks of the partner).
• Work with fears. If there is a fear of being alone, increase self-esteem, make new friends, make a dog, and find an interesting hobby. If there is a fear of being left without a specific person as a source of some benefits, learn how to get these benefits yourself (go to work, upgrade your qualifications, set ambitious goals).
• Stop comparing yourself to others. Comparisons only reinforce a sense of inferiority. You are a unique person. And the partner chose you.
• Take active steps to improve relationships (avoid conflicts, spend weekends together, normalize intimate life, it is useful to have a joint hobby).
• Be honest with your partner. Just talk calmly and thoroughly, with trust and respect for each other. Do not rush to do stupid things, give your partner a chance.
• Learn to forgive. Both yourself and your partner. This helps to cope with negative emotions. Even if your suspicions are confirmed sooner or later, the ability to forgive will be very useful and will help to cope with disappointment.

See how to overcome jealousy in the next video.