Parting: causes, stages and ways of experiencing

Parting often leads to difficult feelings, while this is not only about parting with a loved one, but also about parting with children, friends. Breaking up is always a loss. Avoiding such painful situations will help knowing why the breakups most often occur, how they are experienced and how to maintain relationships that are important to you.

Psychology assesses parting as the loss of relations with a certain person. But in practice, physical separation does not always mean the loss of relations, and living together does not guarantee spiritual unity. Parting is a painful process if a person is dear to you, if some important period of your life is closely connected with him. Parting with loved ones (spouses), with children, and relatives is considered the most painful. Parting with close friends can also cause pain.

The breakup can be complete when contacts by the decision of the parties or one of the participants in the situation cease in any form. Parting is considered to be incomplete, after which people maintain certain relationships - communicate on the issues of raising children, at work, have common business, have the intention to restore relations. In psychology, parting is also called incomplete, in which one of the parties refuses to accept reality as it is, time goes on, and the stage of acceptance does not occur. This is a difficult case that requires necessarily the help of a psychiatrist and psychotherapist.

Parting gives a great life experience, painful, but sometimes necessary. In any case, a lot of useful things can be learned from it: after parting, value systems change, a person begins to better understand the intricacies of his own character, knows better what he needs further from future relationships. If people part in haste, without considering the decision, then they have a chance to improve their relations by drawing conclusions after reconciliation.

It is important to understand that the events themselves and the reasons that led to them are different things. If formally the couple breaks up due to the betrayal of one of the partners, then the reason here may be any, but not the betrayal itself. Boredom and routine in a relationship, lack of productive interaction with a partner in a variety of fields could push the adulter of a cheater. The event, which is formulated as a scandal, is not a reason for parting, but only an excuse, since the true reason can again be covered in anything else. Let's look at what reasons most often lead to the collapse of relations with both spouses and children, parents, friends.

This reason is very insidious. Trust is the basis of any relationship, without it friendship or a love relationship is impossible. It disappears gradually, sometimes even imperceptibly, little by little. People tend to give loved ones a “second chance”, justify them internally, but only for the time being, as long as there is trust. Once it disappears, the relationship cannot continue. Jealousy, especially its pathological forms, deception (if it is frequent) can lead to a loss of confidence. Even deceit in trifles gradually develops into a “big snowball”, which is gaining speed one day and with all its force falls on the deceiver's head, practically leaving no chance to maintain relations.

In the people it is called "did not agree on the characters." People set themselves different, and sometimes even polar, goals for each other and do not want to help each other achieve these goals. If the husband is saving up for a new car, and the wife believes that first of all she needs an apartment, then scandals cannot be avoided. If the mother insists that the son enters the university, and he has gathered in the army of his own free will, then again, everything may end in separation if one of the parties does not agree to accept the priorities of the other.

Priorities can be intangible: for one it is important to grow professionally and spiritually, to study, to increase your value as a specialist, and the other believes that the partner is only wasting time, getting another diploma, thereby belittling the achievements of the first. Parting for this reason may well prove to be temporary, and if people reach a compromise or learn to give in, then the relationship can well be saved.

Violence is not only physical, but also psychological. Under specious pretexts (“love”, “worry for you”), one partner can introduce total control over the second - to check where and when he leaves, where it happens, who calls him. Psychological violence is insults, reproaches and disrespect, these are direct or indirect prohibitions on maintaining relations with friends and relatives, restrictions, constant clarification of relations.

A victim of psychological violence and manipulation is usually afraid of something wrong, to make any domestic decision without the knowledge of a partner, if a strong emotional dependence on a tyrant is added to this, the situation becomes completely unbearable. Often children are manipulated by parents or parents by children, spouses and even friends may encounter attempts at manipulation by each other. Parting in this case is the most correct, and sometimes the only possible way out. Having begun once, neither physical nor psychological violence usually stops, but only progresses, acquiring ever more sophisticated forms.

Everyone, starting a relationship with someone, hopes and expects something good that this relationship will bring him. Often these expectations are not met. It is difficult to consider the future tyrant or miser in a sweet young man, in the growing little son it is difficult to see the future cruel and unjust scoundrel. When a person is faced with some manifestations and actions on the part of another, which did not fit into the picture of his expectations, he experiences strong disappointment, fear, resentment.

If we understand that we build our hopes and expectations ourselves, and no one is obliged to meet them, parting for this reason can be avoided. Another option is to abandon expectations and accept a person as he is with all his shortcomings and advantages, but this is far from everyone. Parting, if it happened, can be reversible. But only after one of the parties comprehends the incorrectness of the fact of advancing any other expectations and hopes to the other, and the other will do everything possible to correct what does not suit the partner.

We are talking about alcohol, drug addiction, gambling, etc. Usually, at the very beginning of the problem, the partner is struggling to help the second one get rid of the bad habit. But there are promises to give up, but in most cases there is no real action, and therefore loss of trust comes into force, later the collapse of hopes and expectations, and then all other reasons. In families where the partner drinks, takes psychotropic drugs, violence and manipulation are widespread, and there is definitely a difference in priorities (unless, of course, all family members drink together).

This reason, which often destroys marriages “with experience”. Sensations and feelings become dull over time, and this is natural and normal. If they are not replaced by common interests, hobbies, common priorities and goals, then there is a chance that the partners will simply get tired of communicating with each other. The loss of interest, attraction can be the basis for adultery, for leaving the family. Relationships quickly deteriorate and may well become complicated over time by any of the above reasons - from alcoholism to a bored partner to domestic violence and the collapse of all expectations.

Financial disputes over how and how much to earn, where and to whom to spend, are a fairly common reason for parting. For this reason, several factors are combined at once: this is a difference in priorities and possible manipulations. But such partings, if desired, can be canceled, made them reversible. It is enough to find out all the misunderstandings and develop a new financial strategy in the relationship that would suit both. Most household issues are resolved in the same way. If people part because of this forever, then with a high degree of probability they did not come to the first place this problem, but any of the above. Money and fried potatoes were just the last straw in the bowl of patience.

Among the reasons for the breakups, one can list many different prerequisites - both sexual dissatisfaction with a partner, and infantilism of one of the participants in a situation where a person cannot and cannot, and most importantly, does not want to make any decisions at all. But if you reduce everything, as in mathematics, to a simple equation, then you can easily understand that the basis of any separation is insult, which consists of the collapse of hopes and expectations, anger, anger and fear of the future.

It is this feeling that destroys marriages, divorces parents and children to different continents, makes friends completely stop communicating with those who until recently were close and understandable. Please note that it’s the offense that lies at the heart of the divorce because of “did not agree on the characters,” it is she who accompanies financial and domestic turmoil, the difference in priorities, resentment against the world and oneself lead to alcoholism and escape into narcotic non-existence.

Parting is many-sided. People who have made such a decision may never see each other or may see each day, they may forget that they had some kind of relationship or remember this and experience emotional attachment for a very long time. Psychologists distinguish several types of separation.

• Structural breakdown - the reasons are unremovable, correction is impossible. The partners have enough will and reason to decide to free themselves from such meaningless relationships and become free and ultimately happy, but individually. In such cases, the separation is not too painful, although it is possible that experiences will still take place. But after the separation, the people’s relations are even, calm, positive, they do not cripple either their souls or the soul of the child, if any. Relations are built on mutual respect, regardless of whether, on the initiative of a man or woman, they were terminated. People look at their shared past without resentment.

• Incomplete gestalt - There are good reasons for parting, but there is no strength to do this, coming up with reasons to stay together (children grow up, have a mortgage, etc.). It is in such couples that infidelity often occurs; children grow up in an atmosphere of chronic destructive lies. Both spouses recognize that their relationship has not been the same for a long time, there is no passion, no sex, no trust, no relationship. But they are afraid to change something.

• Traumatic Parting - the accepted and embodied decision to leave forever. It is fraught with the accumulation of a huge load of grievances, although sometimes it is constructive. Usually one of the partners is not ready to let the other go, and it is in such situations that the most severe emotional upheavals and experiences take place.

• Delayed Parting - an offer to part for a while in order to gather thoughts and make a decision that can go into any of the listed types of parting. It is not perceived as painful as traumatic, but only until a permanent decision is made.

• Pseudo parting - a specially created situation in which the partner who has become the initiator does not really want a true separation, he is manipulating, trying to achieve something of his own, some specific goal. If a person allegedly broke up, this gives him the illusion of freedom, the opportunity to suffer ad libitum (there are people who need experiences in order to revive their fading relationships and dispel boredom). Sometimes such false partings become habitual, and the manipulator ceases to achieve the goal. Often, when the patience of the second partner bursts or the manipulator decides that the resources of the relationship have been exhausted for him personally, the next gap becomes true and the last.

The experience of separation occurs according to the psychological laws of loss (stage of grief). The sequence of stages of emotional change is usually clear and always one stage follows another. Both for men and women, the sequence is just this, but there are nuances due to the gender characteristics of the psyche. In order to survive the breakup and not become a patient in a psychiatric hospital, in order to quickly cope with your emotions, it is important to go through all the stages without missing a single one.

The very first reaction to the loss.A person does not feel pain, because as long as he simply does not believe in what is happening, he does not understand what is happening at all, and does not allow thoughts of this to his consciousness. The psyche turns on the negation mechanism when it encounters something unfamiliar and frightening. Denial protects the psyche from traumatic sudden impact, partially anesthetizes the processes that begin to occur in the soul. Denial takes various forms - from the insistent assertion that everything, as before, simply had temporary difficulties, to the depreciation of the loss - "this was all and it was, this was to be expected."

The anesthetic effect of denial passes, anger replaces bewilderment - “how could he have done that?” There is resentment, shame, shame, intense anxiety. Emotions go wild, and to the same extent, a person can direct his anger both at the initiator of the breakup, and at his own person.

Anger has already been experienced, it is practically absent, and perhaps the person has already found his first explanations for what happened, although he is still very far from a full introspection and analysis of the situation. Immediately after anger, the pain becomes stronger, and therefore a completely natural desire to get rid of it appears. The first thing that asks for the mind is to restore the relationship. Here the suffering side becomes obsessed with the idea of ​​returning the beloved, beloved. Particularly impressionable natures can begin to pursue a partner, write, call, demand, threaten, blackmail, lure with deceitful occasions, walk on fortune-tellers and sorcerers.

The extent to which the emotional and physical expenditure of energy and energy went through the next stage depends on how severe the decline after it can be. Depression begins, a person is lethargic, not energetic, for him a lot of things lose their meaning, what used to be a pleasure may annoy or leave indifferent. There are disturbances in sleep, appetite. I don’t feel like even getting up and going to work. The pain decreases, sometimes it is already indistinguishable. But the stage is quite dangerous: if you live it wrong, it increases the likelihood of transition of situational depression into a chronic mental illness. It is at this stage that the largest number of suicides, revenge killings are committed.

At this stage, personal defeat is recognized. An understanding of the true causes and effects comes, it becomes clear where to move on. A person begins to realize that the responsibility for the separation lies with both partners, and although regrets can still be present, they no longer cause severe pain. The situation is accepted in the form in which it occurred. Circumstances are seen clearly, without illusions. The plus is that the onset of the adoption stage indicates that the planning of your new life has already begun. New plans, goals, and guidelines appear.

The desire to live speaks of the end of the process of accepting loss, self-esteem is growing, understanding of one’s own value, significance is emerging, the feeling comes that the best is yet to come. The emotional state is characterized as compensated, in other words, the wound from the loss is still there, but it has already been healed and now only reminds itself of the presence of a scar.

The features of the female residence of the loss are that the fair sex is more emotional, and therefore all stages in them proceed brighter than in men. At any stage, except for the final ones, there can be streams of tears, words, and even tantrums.But this is female salvation - due to the ability to release negative emotions, to splash them out as they arise, women complete the passage of all stages faster.

Women rarely lose self-esteem after parting, if it decreases slightly, it is restored after the first visit to a beauty salon or a fashion store. The woman has friends who can cry at any moment, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. If a woman has a child, then he will not let him wallow in depression - he requires care, care, and the implementation of certain daily actions.

Women are more dreamy, they enter the stage of returning to life more easily, it is easier for them to dream up a new amazing life.

The features of the male psyche are such that the parting of the stronger sex is much harder because they can’t afford suffering sobbing, long hours of conversations with friends about a lover’s act, “washing her bones,” and men rarely cry. But in vain. The release of anger and anger, resentment with tears would help men to more easily survive the depressive stage. It is on it that a man can be seriously and permanently stuck.

Men try to make sure that no one notices their experiences after the breakup. They hide them, suppress, which causes the accumulation of negativity and disruption of the heart, blood vessels and other organs. Psychosomatics suggests that men live less than women precisely because they habitually crush in themselves everything that has become painful.

At the stage of denial and anger, a man can go into all seriousness - alcohol, random sexual relationships. Only at the stage of adoption will he understand that it does not bring significant relief, and sometimes it aggravates the condition. Men are anxious about their self-esteem. An abandoned man is like a wounded lion. First, he will lick his wounds and dream of revenge, and then he will begin to blame himself for not being able to reign, lost. This can leave a significant imprint on the nature of his future relationship - the more severely wounded a man, the more likely it is that he will transfer part of resentment, suspicion and distrust in his next relationship with women.

Those who want to quickly cope with their feelings after breaking up with a loved one will be disappointed - this process does not happen quickly. It all depends on the temperament, circumstances and reasons for the separation, on the age and life experience of a person, but in general, you need to tune in to the experience of each stage in turn.

The right attitude is a patient attitude. Not a single stage lasts indefinitely, and understanding this helps to bear the loss with a degree of philosophical calm. This share will be small, but very important. Psychologists advise not to try to deal with their condition, this will only lead to the suppression and accumulation of negative, we must try to accept each stage as inevitable. The most difficult cases are parting during a woman’s pregnancy, just before the wedding, betrayal and betrayal. But you can survive them and put up with the least losses, if you follow the advice of psychologists.

It is important for a man to remember that his task at any stage of separation is to maintain his dignity. What determines his male self-esteem after overcoming a difficult situation depends on this. You can not blackmail, threaten, stoop to insults and assault, revenge, to everything that lowers and belittles men, not only in the eyes of women, but also in their own eyes. Do not drink or try to quickly find another woman - attempts to artificially fill the inner void are usually doomed to fiasco and an unpleasant aftertaste for many years.

After the aggression and anger have passed, you can try to talk with the former, find out what her future plans are, maybe she, like you, is worried and regrets the breakup and wants to renew the relationship. If not, do not despair. Engage in work and all-round development - read, meet friends, go fishing, watch interesting films, sort out the car engine - surely a lot of things have accumulated that you put off for later. It's time to do it. This will make it easier to survive difficult times.

A woman definitely needs “helpers” - someone must listen, support. But you should not feel sorry for yourself. No matter how much one wants to sympathize with oneself, it is worth going the other way - to learn to control and analyze your emotions, to distinguish love for your ex from fear of being alone, to become a laughing stock. It is important to learn from the heart, forgive sincerely.

While the stages of recovery after loss go through, a woman needs motivation in order to work, study, and take care of herself. The best motivation is to understand that true happiness can lie in wait anytime, anywhere. Will it be possible if you hide from the world, close yourself from communication, walk bawled? It is easier to put up with those who do not lose their dignity - no matter how painful, do not stoop to revenge, rumors, gossip, blackmail (including by children). When it becomes easier, such actions can be excruciatingly embarrassing.

Longtime friends, who are connected by a lot, are quite painfully experiencing a break, but not like lovers. Ideally, it’s best to wait a while, talk with a friend honestly and still eliminate the disagreement. But if this is not possible, it is best to try to forgive a friend if he offended you, ask for forgiveness from him and leave. Perhaps you still have different roads.

With depression, if it has been delayed for more than two weeks, it is important to deal not only with one, but with assistants - relatives, friends, a psychologist or a psychotherapist. With the wrong approach, it can become chronic. It is important to set goals and objectives for every hour, every day. The less time it takes to savor all unpleasant thoughts, the less severe depression will be.

After a long relationship, forgetting the pain will not work right away, the pain should go away by itself. Compare your condition with a wound or the flu - even if you really want to get rid of the disease, you won’t be able to do it ahead of schedule, the disease will recede when the body completely cures the virus or the wound heals. The same thing with mental wounds.

Keeping an existing relationship will help knowledge of the reasons why the breakups most often occur. Look at them again and note for yourself that for a successful relationship it is important that they have trust, that there is no violence and suppression, that people, in addition to love, have common interests and hobbies. Passion will one day pass, and the community of interests will remain and will help you overcome all difficulties together. It is important to reckon with the opinion of the partner, but not to forget about your own life. Victims are inappropriate.

Well-known psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky recommends experiencing parting with a proudly raised head, forbidding yourself even to think that you were abandoned or betrayed. Such thoughts do not add self-confidence and positive thinking. He also gives the following recommendations.

• Do not dissolve in another, remember about yourself - if the partner left you, with a high degree of probability he has already fallen out of love with you, then why should you suffer and suffer, dream about the return of relations? Relations with the unloved are usually not the warmest.
• Life difficulties for all couplesas well as quarrels and misunderstandings, but only those that were initially weak and untenable, flawed, if you like, break up. Therefore, what happened should be regarded from the standpoint of the fact that everything happened fairly and correctly - you both have long deserved happiness. Together it is impossible.

• Do not rush, give yourself time - About a year is needed on average to get rid of the stress caused by separation. For some this process is longer, for others it is faster. But all without exception pass it, no one else in the stages of experiencing loss did not remain forever.
• Don't blame yourself for anything. It’s not your fault that happened. And the partner’s guilt is not there either. It just happened that way. Accept this and look at the relationship with respect and gratitude (it was good too!), And look at yourself with sincere love. You are beautiful, amazing, individual. And someone is now looking in the big white light for not even a person like you, but you.

See how to maintain a relationship after breaking up in the next video.