How to return a loved one after parting?

Problems and misunderstandings between a man and a woman can lead to quarrels, feelings, and even separation. But it so happens that after a while, when thoughts come in order, there is a desire to return the relationship. Whether it is necessary to do this, how to do it and what to pay attention to, this material tells.

In order to understand whether it is necessary to reanimate relationships and develop an action plan, it is important to accurately understand and realize the true reason for the separation. Even if the partner said before leaving that he had stopped loving you, it is quite possible that this is actually not the case, and the reason was more mundane, but pretty boring trifles, such as your unwillingness to take care of yourself or some kind of habit with which the partner I could not reconcile. Not only do you think and analyze what happened after the break, the partner, believe me, does the same. If you think sensibly, and after breaking up, this does not happen right away, but only some time later, then you can understand that two are responsible for any separation.

Not all relationships can be returned. More precisely, they can be returned, but they certainly will not be the same. With luck, the relationship will even improve. Faced with a real loss to each other, partners will begin to be more sensitive to the second half and will not allow more negative situations. With no luck, relationships will get worse.In fact, it is not a matter of luck, but of how accurately and correctly you analyze the situation at this stage.

First you need to try to get rid of all the offensive words that your partner might have said when breaking up. They will now only spoil the picture of what happened. We reread the “Little Prince” of Exupery, write out a quote that “vigilantly is only one heart” and proceed to the “debriefing”.

It is worth noting the most common reasons for parting.

• Loss of confidence. This is the most difficult situation in which the very foundation of the relationship between two people is collapsing. Restoring trust will be incredibly difficult, and in most cases impossible at all. Deception, jealousy, unrestrained promises - all this is a heavy burden on the perception of the personality of another person.
• Lack of common and common goals. A fairly common reason, when partners, tired of convincing each other, just make a decision to go different paths or such a decision is made by one of the spouses or lovers. Despite the apparent catastrophic nature of what happened, in such a situation reconciliation is very likely, and the couple has every chance to live a long and happy life together. Only one thing is needed: for one or both to learn to find a compromise or to obey the decision of a partner. There is no third.
• Rudeness, violence is a good reason. Psychologists and forensic scientists state that the 95% assault that happened once is repeated, and even more than once. A person may repent, pray for forgiveness, burn with shame, promise "never again", but statistics are statistics and we will not go into it. You can make peace, if you are a victim, then is it worth it - it's up to you.
• Psychological suppression, control is also a form of violence. All that is said above applies equally to psychological pressure. If a partner could afford to insult you, constantly criticize, scare, blackmail, unnecessarily jealous, manipulate, give no vote and tried to limit your communication with your relatives, friends, friends in every way, then it will be very difficult to fix something. Once you return, the situation may become even more difficult.

• Disappointment. Everything is simple here: the reality turned out to be not what you imagined, the partner showed completely not the qualities that you attributed to him in your illusions. You can restore relations, but only after you yourself get rid of unnecessary and inflated expectations and accept the person not as you need, but as he is in reality.
• Dependencies - drugs, alcohol, gambling addiction and others. Decide for yourself, but situations where the separation has prompted the partner to go and be treated are rare. More often only empty promises sound.
• Boredom, addictive, routine. Oddly enough, but parting even for a short while, is capable of introducing the very diversity that your relationship has lacked so much lately. After the reunion, feelings can erupt with renewed vigor. The main thing is that separation and reconciliation should not become a habit, then the relationship will develop only according to the pathological type and very soon will become a usual addiction in thrills, and with each separation the feelings will become more dull.
• Quarrels on the basis of financial problems and misunderstandings. If this reason was the only one (which is rare), then reunion is possible provided that the partners reconsider their financial relationships and responsibilities.
• Communication breakdown (sexual dissatisfaction, emotional “vacuum”). This reason is subject to correction, but it is difficult and only with a strong mutual desire of partners to get closer again.

Some people think that the reason for the breakup was treason or petty quarrel over household trifles. This is not true. Treason or scandal were the result of the reasons described above. That is why it is important to evaluate not the act of a loved one, not what he said or did just before he or you slammed the door, but what reasons led to this. This will help to understand if the relationship still has prospects or is it better to leave them in the past and start a new life.

Before answering this difficult question, it is important to know that in the process of adapting to parting with a person who was once important to you, and maybe even important now, there is a stage that psychologists call the stage of deceptive hopes. This means that a person, after resentment and anger, bewilderment, one day has a desire to stop all his suffering by reuniting with his former partner. And here the trips to fortune-tellers begin and the search for a quick and absolute way to return your beloved (beloved). At this stage, psychologists recommend not taking any active actions and carefully controlling their desires to write a message, call or apply to a partner for work. Everyone goes through this stage, even those whose love has died long ago, as well as those who understand perfectly well that the return will turn his life into real hell and chaos.

The desire to return a person at this stage is caused not by strong love, as I think almost everything, but by elementary fears - the fear of being alone, the fear of not finding your happiness, the fear of the future. When this stage passes, the person will have the answer to the main question - whether he really still loves and really wants to return the relationship. To return a loved one is a difficult, but not hopeless undertaking. But to live a long and happy life with this person is a completely different matter.

To answer the question of whether it is necessary to revive the relationship, it is important to know what a loved one is thinking about it. If he doesn’t even want to talk, you shouldn’t annoy him. Annoying "ex" can be very sophisticated and inventive, but no marriage or union, such ingenuity has not yet saved. Well, if a partner offered to part beautifully and effectively left for another, try to maintain your dignity no less effectively. You will have to admit and understand that nothing in the future will be with this man as before: even if he leaves another and returns to you, how you will interact further, knowing that there was another woman between you. Trust can not be returned. The question arises whether it is worth spending your precious time on a person with whom happiness can no longer be built. It's time to calm down, pull yourself together and after a while, when you are psychologically and emotionally prepared, start a new relationship.

You should not convince anyone who stubbornly insists that your union "will fail." Leave him alone. Just accept it, because the partner is most likely not lying. Good definitely will not work. Signs of a pathological relationship, which is not worth starting again, so as not to get worse, were indicated above. Therefore, determining the cause of separation will again help to understand whether it is worth saving feelings or you need to save yourself.

To make it easier for you to understand why the wisdom that “you can’t enter twice in the same water” is still alive, it’s worthwhile to cite the following mean statistics:

• 15% of people after a divorce converge again;
• 20% of them say that relations after separation have become better;
• almost 35% of them regret having returned a relationship that now only brings negativity and bitterness.

We came to an important part of the conversation - how to take that very first step towards, if you nevertheless decided to try to save the relationship. For starters, forgive the partner for everything he has done and forgive yourself if you have a feeling of guilt. Without sincere and honest forgiveness, you can’t count on any continuation of the relationship. Return necessarily means a complete absence of claims and grievances.

If you are a man, it’s easier for you to make a phone call. Women often have problems with this for fear of rejection. Choose a time for a call convenient for your partner. Do not call in the morning when a person is in a traffic jam or in a hurry to work, do not call during the working day, this may turn out to be inappropriate. Too late a call can wake a person, he is unlikely to be able to quickly understand why and why you called. Call when a person has free time, when he is resting, relaxed.

Do not get drunk for courage or call under the pretext of "I'm on business." Immediately and honestly, as kindly as possible, inform the interlocutor that you regret what happened and would like to fix everything. If the person agrees, make an appointment and talk about your feelings in person. By phone, such issues are not resolved. If a person does not want to hear about reconciliation, politely thank him for all the good things that you had during the time spent together, once again express your regrets (briefly) and say goodbye.

To call you need a lot of courage. About your decision to try to renew the relationship can be much easier to inform in writing. You can write it in a SMS message, in a messenger or social networks. There are large originals that prefer the most important messages in their life to send in the form of a paper letter to the postal address. Choose for yourself, but remember that nothing is solved by correspondence, although it is easier to express thoughts both for a man and a girl in writing, and the wordings are more accurate and thought out.

In the letter do not recall the reason for the quarrel, do not try to hurt or prick, to soften. The most unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation are always accompanied by just such mistakes (“Although you acted ugly ...”, “Although you are a bastard, I love you”, “I feel very bad without you, I am dying”). The first two formulations are puzzling, and the third is pity. Neither resentment nor pity contributes to the emergence of a reciprocal desire to reconcile.

Be natural, write that you have reviewed and understood a lot, that you would like to meet and talk, that you remember everything good that was between you (“I like to remember what you did then”, “I am pleased to think that you did for me” ) At the end of the message, leave your partner the choice. Do not write where and when your meeting should take place for a decisive conversation, ask him to determine the time and place and inform you. Psychologist's advice in case he does not answer is similar to a situation with unwillingness to speak on the phone. Knowing that you are waiting for an answer, a person will have only two options - to answer or not to answer, thereby indicating that there are no prospects for relations for him.

This is not the best solution, in any case, for adults and psychologically mature people. Already at least for the reason that discussing the intricacies of your personal relationships with outsiders is indecent and disrespectful to your partner. It is unlikely that the guy will be delighted if he learns from his best friend that his ex-girlfriend wants to make peace and is very sorry about the quarrel.

The question will arise, why didn’t she tell the addressee directly about this, why did she have to devote comrade's intimate affairs. But didn’t she tell him something else that he shouldn’t even know about. No matter how deliberately your speech addressed to mutual friends may sound, they will not be able to convey it to your loved one. They simply do not pay attention to the words and intonations that are important for you and your partner, they can distort facts, mix up something, because this, by and large, is not as important for them as it is for you.

At a personal meeting, which should become decisive in the matter of the prospects for the restoration of relations, you should look breathtaking. After a short or long breakup, the partner should see in you that beautiful and attractive person whom he once loved. This will evoke bright and warm memories and will set both partners in a kind, honest and emotionally positive conversation. Be natural. If you have never worn high hairpins and wigs before, do not start doing it now, it will look ridiculous and ridiculous. Be as close as possible to the image that was during the meeting.

Smile Behave at ease, even if everything inside trembles, shakes, and trembles at the mere thought that the partner may refuse to resume relations. To conduct this meeting correctly, use a few tips from psychologists.

• Do not try to arouse pity, do not talk about the fact that no one loves you, that you have no desire to live without him, that the time of separation was incredibly difficult for you, that you were sick, moping, and so on. Even if everything was so, it is not necessary for the partner to know about it. In order for a person to become interested and want to go on a rapprochement again, there is no need to cause him to want to hug you and cry. Pity kills other feelings and forms a guilty feeling in the interlocutor.
• No need to start again to find out who was to blame for the quarrel and separation. Avoid reproaches (“it was you who first threw”, “you did not call so much time”). Now there is no difference who is to blame. It is necessary to decide what to do.
• Do not try to blackmail children, finances, shared secrets. “If you do not return, you will not see the children” - this is not the tone that implies reconciliation and forgiveness. This condition. And the conditions here are unacceptable.

• Tell us that you have revised the value of your relationship, that you remember all the good things and are ready to discuss the conditions that will suit both. At the same time, try to do this in a non-asking and non-ingratiating tone, otherwise the partner may set too many conditions. Do not settle for everything. They must be reasonable and fair.

And finally, I would like to say that special attention should be paid to solving the following issues, if you decide to be together again, because the sooner you solve them, the easier and easier it will be to start life with this person again:

• Does the partner agree with your definition of the reason for the breakup?
• What measures does each of you offer in order to restore relations?
• Do you and he have enough trust in each other;
• what will be the mutual concessions;
• how, from now on, you will resolve conflict situations if they happen (and it will happen sooner or later without fail).

Psychology cannot give a ready-made recipe for personal happiness.Much depends on the nuances and specific circumstances, on people, their character and temperament, habits and ideas about life. The chances of personal happiness from the second (third and so on) attempts have couples who adhere to the following:

• experience mutual feelings, respect the interests and feelings of each other;
• mutually inclined to continue the relationship, do not do this for the sake of a broad gesture or mercantile considerations;
• mutually ready to change, compromise;
• are committed to keeping the partner in mind when reconciling promises.

If the conversation was unsuccessful, it became obvious that the partner didn’t agree to the restoration of relations, and again you would feel better. You now know exactly what he thinks about this, you are completely free and free to build your new life, taking into account your experience.