Everything You Wanted to Know About Narcissism

There is an opinion that we live in the era of daffodils. Almost every one of us is subject to self-esteem or self-flagellation in varying degrees, and these are the realities of public life. Parents strive to have brilliant children, young people dream of achieving success, making a fortune, become famous, women - have an ideal appearance. Modern culture and education encourage such behavior. This material is about what modern psychology puts into the concept of narcissism and where is the line between healthy self-esteem, the desire to prove oneself, gain recognition and pathology that destroys life.

One of the myths of Ancient Greece tells of the sad fate of a young man named Narcissus. Nature endowed the young man with a beautiful appearance. Forest nymph Echo had the misfortune to love a handsome man. He was self-absorbed and neglected the feelings of an innocent creature. Unrequited love killed the girl. The goddess Aphrodite, in anger, severely punished herself, making him fall madly in love with her own reflection in the pond. Seeing himself in the mirror surface, he could no longer take his eyes off his perfect face and turned into a daffodil flower.

The term came into use at the beginning of the twentieth century. In 1913, the English doctor and psychologist Ernest Jones wrote a book, The Complex of God, in which he analyzes the behavior of people fantasizing about omnipotence, god-like.His patients are emotionally inaccessible individuals, striving for fame and inadequate social status.

Sigmund Freud finally introduced the term “narcissism” into psychology in 1914 when he created the theory of psychoanalysis. Initially, the psychoanalyst understood this as a sexual perversion, in which the child, taking the place of the mother in dreams, gives herself her love. However, he later came to the conclusion that this is the stage of psychosexual development of personality. According to his observations, all children at an early age experience a vivid and strong sense of love for themselves. The natural and harmonious experience of this stage leads to the further formation of a full-fledged person.

The issues of narcissism in the modern sense were developed by the outstanding Austrian scientist Otto Kernberg. He identified three types of this mental state: mature narcissism, infantile and pathological. The subject of his research was the borderline state of the psyche, pathological narcissism and psychopathy.

They made a significant contribution to the study of the problem and made a detailed description of the narcissistic nature of the psychoanalysts Heinz Kohut and Nancy Mc Williams.

Narcissism is a mental state, the essence of which lies in the hypertrophied love of a person in himself, his body, personality and obsession to receive recognition from others. Narcissism in varying degrees is inherent in any person. So, a person may like the results of his work, he may consider himself outwardly attractive or gifted in some area of ​​life. This is normal. But admiration for oneself can take a morbid form and cause suffering to a person and his environment. In psychiatry, narcissism is understood as a serious personality disorder requiring treatment.

Narcissus has difficulty communicating with people. He is not able to build a harmonious relationship. It is hard to be friends, love, and cooperate with a vain man, fixated on his uniqueness, selfish.

At the same time, daffodils are successful socially and implemented in creativity. Among the brilliant people of the planet there are many figures with pronounced symptoms of a narcissistic personality.

Daffodils are characterized by the following symptoms.

• Excessive sense of self-worth, uniqueness and desire to become the most outstanding in any field.
• Unrealistic fantasies, the subject of which may be wealth, power, perfect appearance or beautiful love.
• Exaltation and presentation of your merits and achievements in bright light, many of which can be simply made up. At the same time, there is a concentration of attention on the negative sides of others, ridicule in their favor, in extreme cases - up to insult.
• Waiting for admiration from others and the desire to attract increased attention. The narcissus causes misunderstanding and bewilderment when this does not happen in life.

• Feeling of inner emptiness. It happens that such a person blows indifference and rejection. The next time I want to avoid close communication. Arrogance, the ability at any time to step aside or to complete contact, distrust - this is what close people surrounded by a daffodil have to face.
• The idealization and instantaneous depreciation of another person, his merits and labor. Convincing reasons for the first and second daffodils are not needed. Having overthrown the object of past admiration from the pedestal, he immediately finds another ideal, which is waiting for the same fate.
• Fear of feeling shame. High self-esteem, perfectionism do not give him the right to make mistakes and weaknesses. Realizing that in real life he does not meet his transcendental ideals, he sees himself as insignificant and bad from the outside. There is a deep sense of shame on this subject.And in difficult moments of life, sensitivity to humiliation and a sense of shame is exacerbated.

• Envy - a character trait that takes on a narcissus chronic form. Narcissus may think that he has something missing in his life, while others have it. Criticizing unreasonably, expressing pity and contempt, he may try to destroy the object of envy. Such people are jealous of what they want, but when they receive it, they immediately devalue it.
• Non-recognition of negative feelings. Considers himself the object of envy and intrigue. In his eyes, people should be ashamed of unworthy thoughts and behavior towards him. Tends to blame others for their failures.

• Lack of response to criticism. The slightest attempt by others to make a remark to the daffodil may cause him fear or aggression. Any negative statement deeply hurts. He recalls, scrolls a painful moment in his head many times, mentally argues, proves the opposite. Perceives as a personal insult, requires repentance, refutation, restoration of justice.

• Lack of compassion for people. The world of the daffodil revolves around his desires and needs. He takes care of others for granted and does not seek to thank and answer the same. In the outbursts of the soul may show mercy and immediately begin to be proud of his kindness.
• Polarity of states. The feeling of shame, worthlessness, self-inconsistency and falsehood is replaced by self-sufficiency, superiority, vanity.
• The desire for competition. Daffodils love to compete and unconsciously evoke this desire among people around them. Therefore, it is important for them to be surrounded by people who, by any criteria, are worse than them. Victory is another reason to show others their superiority. Constantly comparing themselves with others. In an easy version, do it mentally. People who have noticed this trait are suffering a lot about it. After all, such a quality of character does not correspond to moral principles. In extreme forms, a person cannot stand the success of others next to him, responds in a condescending tone, taunts and sores behind his back, annoyed in relationships.

• Frustration in people. In this way, he defends himself from close relationships, which in the subconscious act as pain, trauma.
• Deep indifference to the problems of other people in the team. Worthy of attention only exceptional, in his opinion, qualitatively superior to all other personalities. To the sorrows of loved ones, too, indifferent. The personal life and professional successes of friends and acquaintances do not bother him. These little things in life and life are not worthy of his attention.

Representatives of both sexes are equally susceptible to narcissism, although it is believed that this problem is more common in men.

For a narcissistic man, the main task is to achieve recognition in the eyes of others. Strives for achievements in financial terms, in career, social status. However, even the most outstanding results of satisfaction and happiness are not experienced. Ambitions push to conquer new peaks. With external success, relationships do not stick together. There is no emotional contact with others. She treats a woman with neglect. The whole world is only for him alone. Always right. He does what he wants, does not take into account the opinions of loved ones.

Such a man is incapable of building strong family relationships. Families often collapse. Children suffer most from the negative influence of the father.

The feeling of inner emptiness is increasing over the years. By the age of 35-40, a crisis is possible, and only a specialist can help get out of this pathological condition.

Female narcissism manifests itself in relationships with children. They are strict and unreasonably demanding. They make children live up to their high expectations. Strive for high ideals. Joy, warmth, simplicity are discounted by them.In relations with loved ones - alienation and coldness. Nervous breakdowns in children and guilt in front of them alternate with each other. Unconsciously, such mothers force the child to abandon their own needs, desires and feelings and fulfill the needs of adults and support their self-esteem.

As husbands, women daffodils choose caring, gentle men who are despised for their weak will. The natural desire of such women is to live at the expense of others. Men, in their understanding, are a fat wallet, a means to satisfy their many needs. The union of two daffodils - men and women, is unlikely to be durable. The constant struggle of characters and competition with each other absolutely in everything sooner or later will bother, and the marriage will break up.

In narcissism, one can discern the positive features. The constant striving for achievements allows realizing truly grandiose and large-scale ideas for the benefit of society. Envy is a great motivator for specific active steps towards your goal. Dependence on the assessment and opinions of others allows you to be an attentive listener and keep abreast of all events and trends. However, the lack of a sense of inner happiness and fullness of life is the price that the daffodil brings to the altar of self-love.

In psychology, two main types of narcissism are considered: constructive and destructive.

Constructive narcissism is inherent in a mature personality. Such a person has adequate self-esteem, sets and achieves goals that are interesting for himself, feels the fullness of life, loves and enjoys relationships. This is a normal, healthy form based on self-esteem and acceptance of oneself and others as they are. Confidence in behavior, awareness of one’s true needs and desires, freedom from other people's opinions are signs of a healthy love for oneself.

He chooses a person to be his companion according to his liking, and not for the sake of relatives or social standards. A close person is an object of love and friendship, and not a means to achieve selfish goals. Healthy narcissism allows you to find a balance between satisfying your aspirations and needs in relation to others.

Destructive narcissism is a mental personality disorder. People on the path to maturity may not yet have an adequate and holistic view of themselves as a person, depend on the judgments of others, not feel self-sufficient, in life be passive and compliant. This is scarce narcissism, which is not a pathology.

If you observe a person’s abnormal love for yourself and at the same time contemptuous attitude towards other people, here you can talk about the diagnosis. Destructive narcissism can take on a different degree of severity. The most dangerous is malignant narcissism. Its manifestations:

• obsession with oneself;
• a state of grandeur, followed by attacks of defenselessness;
• recklessness;
• over-ambitiousness;
• pathological dependence on the admiration of others;
• a tendency to exploit other people;
• lack of empathy and fidelity to other people;
• stinginess, greed, forcible assault of another's;
• the position of the person to whom everyone owes everything.

These people are gloomy, depressed. Ignore and violate the rights of others. They may have delusions, differ in suspicion, suspiciousness. Their ideas about the world and people are distorted in a negative way. Often demonstrate rage, anger. Aggressive psychopathic command control the inner world of their loved ones. Not able to understand what hurts relatives.

The disease takes its most severe form when a person receives satisfaction from emotional violence, trying to assert himself at the expense of others.Outwardly, the conflict may not be manifested, and the result may be sad for the other side: from depression to attempted suicide.

Other daffodils can be shy and restless. Shyness, shyness, sexual inhibition hide dreams of their own greatness and grandeur. Fear will lose these illusions that prevents them from acting, so that those around them do not destroy.

Narcissism can also manifest itself in chaotic, illegible sexual relationships and inability to love. This is how men with the Don Juan complex, macho men, are born. In female form, he takes the form of fatal cold inaccessible beauties.

Masochism can sometimes be added to narcissism. Such personalities see themselves as the greatest martyrs, constantly being in unhappy, aggressive relationships. The experience of suffering gives them the right to feel superior to everyone else.

Those suffering from this ailment have a weak value system. With the loss of loved ones, it is difficult for them to express sadness, burn through and mourn the care of a dear person. Flashes of elation are replaced by boredom, irritation. Causing harm to another or committing an unlawful act may stop him not from feeling guilty before the victim, but from fear of being caught and getting punished.

A complication may be addiction or parasitism - the desire to use people who can help them or the state. Unemployed daffodils offer to get a job can outrage.

The roots of the problem go back to early childhood. In a harmonious family, the appearance of a child causes joy. In the first months of life, parents feel unconditional love towards him. All manifestations of the baby cause delight and tenderness. He becomes the center of mother’s life for a while. Meeting his needs is paramount. Over time, the world of the child expands. He realizes: around there are people with whom it is also necessary to share the love and attention of mother. So the baby learns to love.

Mom is the first teacher of love. The coldness of the mother, the lack of empathy, warmth, attention in infancy forms the pathological features of narcissism. The desire to fill the deficit of maternal love and tenderness will haunt such a person in adulthood. He imagines himself the universal center, while hiding the pain and anger, he will idealize his parents.

Another reason for the development of narcissism is the early evaluation of children. The child receives an assessment, is attached to the concepts of “good” - “bad”. Parents reward their child with love and attention only for success. And in the future, his whole life will be tuned to get high points. When the child is not given the understanding that it is valuable in itself, but require constant proof, a narcissistic trauma occurs.

A narcissistic mother or the same dad, in his own image and likeness, is raising a young daffodil. The kid is not recognized as a separate person, but merely serves as a means to satisfy their needs and fulfill desires. Character properties, temperament of the child are not accepted. Feelings, needs, desires are ignored. It is believed that they are not. Personality is impaired. The kid is forced to constantly be on the verge of rejection. In attempts to survive, to get a bit of warmth and a sense of closeness, the child, imitating parents, begins to devalue and reject the part of himself that the parents condemn and try to eradicate.

In such an environment, a narcissistic personality is not always formed. A trace of such an upbringing in character can manifest itself in a particular sensitivity to shame, the difficulty of maintaining boundaries in relationships.Persons with narcissistic trauma, like daffodils, tend to exert excessive efforts to maintain a sense of self-worth or meekly obey others, fearing an outbreak of anger and aggression.

Excessive love and admiration of parents for their children can sow narcissistic features in the character of the baby. From childhood, they can be extolled, praised. Adults are afraid that an inferiority complex will develop, especially if the child very early showed his talent or the parents are obsessed with the idea of ​​the genius of their child. Often in such families pseudogeny grows.

Excessive parental care and permissiveness can also be the basis for the germination of the disease.

If you notice some signs of narcissism, the best advice is to contact a specialist you trust. An experienced psychotherapist will help to find the origins of the problem and solve it in a shorter time than you will deal with it yourself.

A huge plus is the cultivation of a healthy self-esteem. Acceptance of one's negative character traits and at the same time recognition of one's uniqueness and one’s talents will allow one to form an adequate opinion of oneself and to cease to depend on human rumors. Self-development, meditation, participation in group trainings will help in this.

As a painful disorder, narcissism requires serious treatment. Psychologists and psychiatrists use a specific technique to determine the degree of narcissism. This is a test of 163 statements, each of which must be agreed or rejected. As a result, you can determine the level on an 18-point scale.

The hardest thing for a daffodil to realize is that he is a mediocre person. Neither great nor insignificant, but ordinary, to whom nothing mortal is alien. A big problem for him is to realize himself, his own "I" without illusions and fantasies about his own personality. He does not know who he really is.

The patient’s environment during treatment and the quality of support that will be provided will play a large role in healing. Man needs to gain experience of valueless judgment. He can do shameful, as it seems to him, things. It is very important that at such moments a person is nearby who will calmly accept him with warmth and tenderness, without condemnation, without punishing, without blaming, and without causing him a sense of shame. Receiving such attention, he will feel security, protection and will begin to unfold.

Awareness will come that contact with another person can be enjoyable. From warm friendships and romantic relationships you can enjoy and enjoy. In other words, the therapist and loved ones will need to give the patient what the mother could not give in childhood. Of course, recovering from narcissism, it is not necessary to give up aspirations for great things, but focus on them will go away and a person will find balance within himself.

There is another approach to treating the disease. Not always the patient can immediately recognize his diagnosis. Therefore, directly talking about narcissism as applied to it itself may not produce results.

In the inner world of such people, most often there is a significant adult: mom, dad, spouse, whose character has narcissistic tendencies. It is much more effective to begin treatment with healing the patient’s relationship with such a person. The specialist will teach the patient to distinguish between pathological features, narcissistic manipulations, which a close person resorts to, and interact with him in a healthier way.

The treatment of pathological narcissism requires long-term therapy, and it may not be possible to completely get rid of the disease.

Daffodils are deeply lonely people, they live a life of misery. The more conscious the choice is in favor of a full and happy life and the intention to go this way hand in hand with a specialist, the greater the chance of success.

It is worth saying a few words about the prevention of the disease. Everyone knows that it is easier to prevent a disease than to treat it. Since the problem comes from childhood, a healthy self-esteem must be formed in a future adult from an early age.

In relation to their children, it is important for parents to:

• maintain their dignity and independence from the opinions of others in children;
• allow the child to cry and show negative emotions;
• to declare love to a child just like that, without focusing on beauty, talent or action;
• express appreciation for truly worthy behavior or result, not very often and without exaggeration;
• give the child the knowledge that he will live in society, while society will not live for him.

If in your environment there is a person with vivid signs of narcissism, be it a colleague, boss, relative, here are some tips that will help you interact with such a person.

The habit of the narcissus to devalue, criticize, ridicule can unpleasantly annoy. The best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to ignore it and improve your skills in the area that the attention is aimed at. Concentration on the development of their abilities, an adequate assessment of their merits and successes will minimize the destructive effects of the narcissus.

The behavior of the daffodil can be mirrored. Tell him about your achievements, knowledge and skills, where you are really strong. Perhaps this is how you will rise in his eyes and will communicate on equal terms.

Narcissus is not always a tyrant and tyrant. It can be nice and nice people to talk to. Whatever they are, the best thing you can do for yourself and for them is to accept them as they are, while remaining yourself. This is especially true for close people with whom they have a blood bond.

Communication with a malignant narcissus in the environment should be avoided. His manipulations and aggressive attitude during prolonged communication can have a destructive and exhausting effect on you.

The feeling of dependence on this kind of person is a signal to get treatment yourself and get rid of such a person’s control over his inner world. Especially if the manipulator is a loved one. Tolerate, forgive and reconcile with the situation will not bring relief, will not heal anyone and will not resolve the situation. Everyone deserves love, care and respect for themselves.

And in conclusion - about one amazing fact. Scientists investigated the causes of narcissism at the anatomy level and found the difference in the volume of gray matter, the state of the cerebral cortex and nerve cells in a narcissistic person and a healthy person. A healthy person has more gray matter, and differences were found in the part of the brain responsible for the feeling of compassion and empathy. From this we can conclude that the key to successful healing of the patient lies in teaching him the ability to love.

For more on narcissism, see the next video.