How to survive a divorce from a wife?

For some reason, it is believed that the feelings and suffering after a divorce are the lot of women, that a real man does not allow himself to sob and moan. This stereotype is so firmly entrenched in the minds of people that men, after their marriage breaks up, are at a loss for themselves - how to act, how to survive this difficult period and remain a real man. Men suffer and experience no less than women, and sometimes more. But their personal drama develops according to other laws.

Male behavior after the breakup of a relationship can be different. It all depends on how much time people spent together, under what circumstances and on whose initiative they broke up. Divorce statistics show that most often (over 60% of cases) women are the initiators of a divorce. But it should be understood that only statistics of official appeals to state bodies and courts are taken into account, but in fact, a woman can apply for a divorce, while the separation was initiated by men.

It turns out that in society, marriage by men is often perceived as a limiter. When the marriage ceases to exist, it seems to such men that now everything is available to them - fishing and beer at any time and any time, any woman - no one needs to report. But time passes, the joy of freedom is gradually supplanted by bewilderment, because the bachelor reality is not at all as rosy as it seemed. Many men are disappointed in their decision to part with their wife.

Men who are abandoned by their wives are more worried. Indeed, in this case, not only the usual way of life, life, responsibilities, but also the self-esteem of the man collapses. Representatives of the stronger sex are so arranged that it is psychologically very important for them to be winners, first. And the wife’s departure for another man, even if the husband himself had long been thinking about divorce, becomes a very painful situation, since wounded self-esteem in men usually hurts for a long time and very hard.

The stereotypes that have existed for centuries in society begin to crumble, and more and more men recognize that divorce does not give them intoxicating freedom and happiness at all. British experts conducted a large-scale sociological study, which showed that up to 24% of men after a divorce admit that they do not feel free, rather, they are devastated. About half of the divorced men admitted that they were depressed for quite some time and were even depressed.

For men, experiencing divorce can cost a ton of nerves and health. Since boys are raised with a clear statement that “men do not cry and do not complain,” practically from childhood, all the representatives of the stronger sex are accustomed to diligently suppress their emotions and feelings. Society contributes a lot to this. If a woman divorces, colleagues and relatives sympathize with her, and if a man gets a divorce, friends and colleagues begin to congratulate. If the representative of the stronger sex at the same time honestly admits that it is difficult, difficult and bad for him, then he runs the risk of being considered weak-minded. Not wanting this for completely natural reasons, the man begins to try on a mask of indifference, restraint, although inside he boils a whole cauldron of passions and emotions.

Men are attempting to throw out the accumulated accumulation, but they do not always do it with adequate methods: noisy whines, alcohol, sorting out new partners and so on. Men overestimate their lives, trying to find a new meaning, but this does not always happen. Proper living of your personal grief is the key to a successful exit from the psychological impasse, but it is with this living that men have problems.

The behavior of a man after a divorce is largely due to the circumstances of the separation: it is easier to leave if everything happened respectfully, calmly. If a man is humiliated, offended by the betrayal of his partner, insulted by her, he listened to many reproaches, it will take more time to restore a normal worldview.

And also the behavior of men depends on their psychotype.

• Hunters - Representatives of the stronger sex, accustomed to always achieve what they need. They are quite charming, purposeful, self-confident. They even turn a divorce into a contest for the right to say the last word, put an end to. Such men suffer secretly, alone, trying as soon as possible to find a new passion and make sure that the former will certainly see her - without this victory would be incomplete.
• Observer - This psychotype is characterized by poise, calmness, gentleness, kindness. Divorce is perceived as a drama - it is hard and long to blame himself for what happened, falls into a stupor, can do stupid things - quit, decide to leave for another city. He suffers for a long time, painfully, often seeking solace in alcohol. She’s not in a hurry to enter into a new relationship, she is wary of new friends with caution.

• Trustee - a caring husband and father. If there is a divorce, it really suffers, it is difficult to pull itself together. Finds a lot of new things, activities, hobbies, just to fill the void in the soul.She is in no hurry to build new relationships, but she doesn’t refuse old ones either - she continues to take care of common children, never refuses to come and help her ex-wife, even if she is offended by her.

• Eternal child - a selfish, unflattering man who puts his own interests in the first place. He cherishes and cherishes the insult, rekindles it in himself, can start to scandal, blackmail the ex-spouse, demand something from her (sometimes even return, because he feels bad). Suffers not for long. He quickly finds solace in new relationships, is very optional in matters of responsibility and raising children from previous marriages.
• Tyrant - the most dangerous type for a woman. The worst thing is if his pride is wounded and his self-esteem has suffered. He begins not only to suffer, but also to avenge his ex-wife for each of his experiences. He does not recognize that he jointly participated in the divorce, that he, too, has a share of responsibility for broken up relations, blames only his wife and nurtures insidious plans.

One cannot allow himself a weekly spree, because he needs to work, and the other can decide on it in the middle of the working week, the third can insult his ex-wife, threaten her, and for the fourth such behavior is unacceptable.

Parting in many ways is similar to experiencing the loss, death of a loved one. Therefore, a divorce from a wife is subject to the psychological laws of experiencing personal grief. Psychologists believe that in order to successfully exit these experiences, it is important to go through all of their stages in sequence.

• Denial is the first reaction. Reluctance to believe what is happening. Some men at this stage are sure that the wife will go wild, calm down, everything will be fine, she will change her mind. Some are convinced that divorce is impossible, that this is just some kind of temporary complication in familiar relationships. The stage in men usually does not last long - from several hours to several days.
• Resentment and anger - this stage replaces the negation and falls upon the person with mental pain, worries, perplexity, why it happened and how the wife could do so. At this stage, men often do rash acts - go headlong into alcohol or drugs, and can begin to take revenge on the former. A man is worried about the fear of shame and defeat in the eyes of society; it is important for him to maintain his self-esteem at all costs. Men really do not like to be “abandoned” (however, like women).

• Hope is the stage of tranquility. There is no anger, resentment also begins to recede, but so far there is no acceptance, and therefore a person begins to build false hopes: if the initiator of the divorce is a woman, the man can decide what else can be reconciled. Some begin to pursue the former, look for meetings, repeat about their feelings. But this behavior is still unusual for most men. Less often, reconciliation is sought by men who themselves initiated the divorce - for most members of the stronger sex, the very idea of ​​recognizing their own mistake is unbearable.

• Depression - a stage in which a man can be "stuck" for a long time if he refuses to let go of his negative feelings, fears, resentment, irritation. Everyone goes through it, but for some it is easier, and for others it is very difficult. At this stage, I do not want anything, there is no desire to communicate with someone, there are no goals and aspirations. A man who was divorced in the hope of freedom, at this very stage begins to experience disappointment at the cost of the collapse of the marriage of freedom.
• Acceptance and analysis of the situation - at this stage, a firm conviction comes that it is no longer possible to change anything in what happened; a person accepts reality as it really is. Many men are revising their usual belief system and values.It is at this stage that restoration to normal life begins. New acquaintances appear, new hobbies and hobbies, new goals.

Often, a divorce occurs against the background of a situation in which one of the partners retains warm and tender feelings for the initiator of the breakup. It can be very difficult to help such men, since they are firmly convinced that it is love that lives in the heart, and do not even allow the thought that love, upon closer examination, is not so much a tender feeling as a cry of wounded self-esteem.

The man is bewildered, he loses the battle for the possession of a woman, a huge resentment is brewing deep down in his heart, including against himself, which the representatives of the stronger sex endure very painfully. Very often, it turns out in fact that behind the concept of “love”, a man hides his fear of loneliness, fear of the need to start new relationships with women, fear of public opinion (abandoned person syndrome).

If a man loves a woman and categorically does not want to let her go, this also has a fair amount of egoism. Of course, you need to ask your partner's opinion when the stages of resentment and anger are left behind. Maybe she wants to reunite - in this case, the couple may well be together again. But if a woman does not want to renew relations, it is important for a man to give her the right to such a decision, that is, to let her go. This must be done so that both their own dignity is preserved, and the dignity of the ex-wife. No need to humiliate, insult, blackmail or threaten her, blaming everything. What happened has already happened.

The father has the same right to participate in the upbringing of his children as the mother. Be sure to discuss with your ex-wife how often the father will see the child, what his help in raising will be, how and how he will be able to benefit. To manipulate children is cruel and unreasonable. Trying to make their ex-wife hurt, men sometimes do not notice that divorce is not the pain for them, not their wives, namely the children: the marriage has been destroyed in adults, and the whole world has collapsed in children.

No matter what the spouse you parted with, you should not talk to the common children about the mother of nasty things, set them up against mom, blame her for divorce. Find pleasant topics for communicating with children, go to the cinema and parks with them, do your favorite hobby, as before. The main thing is not to impress the former, not to make her regret her decision to divorce, but to make sure that for the child everything remains as familiar as possible in relations with her father, such as it was before the separation.

More painfully than others (and this is a proven fact), representatives of the stronger sex, who themselves are prone to infidelity, are experiencing treason. But no matter what the circumstances in which the wife decided on treason and divorce, the main thing is to calm down, to pull herself together. You should immediately abandon the plans for revenge, including affair for the sake of the former revenge - this is the way to nowhere. Most men see the betrayal of his wife as a betrayal.

Anger and anger on your part will not be able to change anything.Forgiving a wife is important for him, and not for her. Accumulated grievances can cause a serious illness. And forgiveness will be the beginning of a new life. If you often remember that mental pain in the case of a spouse's betrayal is based on a wounded self-esteem, it will be easier to manage negative feelings. Whether a man will continue to try to build a relationship with a traitor or not is not so important for forgiveness. You need to let go of the grudge anyway.

A divorced man has more free time and this is true. Therefore, much in how quickly he will be able to regain confidence in himself, depends on how he uses this formed personal time. You need to understand that a divorce, whatever it may be, is always a “breaking”. External circumstances, the usual way, and also internal attitudes and ideas will break.

The divorce is painfully endured, not even because the two people suddenly broke up, but because the man at some point decides to take offense (yes, each of us makes such a decision exclusively on our own). He is offended that his wife did the impossible, and this does not meet his own expectations. No one is obliged to meet someone's expectations, including his wife, but because all your expectations should be safely sent to the scrap. Together with resentment.

Whatever the man decides to do in the free time, the main thing is that this is not self-indulgence, not attempts to search for the guilty, not a constant mental return to the circumstances of personal drama. You should not try and artificially fill the internal vacuum with anything horrible - alcohol, women sifting, drugs, lying aimlessly on the couch with a TV remote control in your hands. All this is not able to qualitatively fill the spiritual void, but only enhances the feeling of loss.

It is constantly impossible to control all your thoughts and emotions in principle, and therefore it will be better if your free time is planned so that there is always a place for the presence of pleasant and important people. This is not necessary in order to have someone to pity you, to sympathize, but to ensure that the man simply does not do something that he can regret very much later.

Here are some more important tips that will help you organize your time so that there is no possibility for unpleasant chewing of the past.

• Find a way to get rid of internal stress constructively - sign up for the gym, the pool, the sports section. Physical activity will allow throwing out negative emotions hidden in the soul, and sports will only be beneficial for health.
• Feel free to ask for help. The attitude of many men, which sounds like “I'm strong, I can do anything,” is sometimes an insurmountable obstacle to asking others for help. And it is necessary to do this, especially at times when a feeling of one's own powerlessness comes to cope with surging emotions. A good assistant and listener can be a psychologist, a psychotherapist, a close friend.

• Do not look for a replacement. A new relationship, if a man has not yet matured psychologically and emotionally, will bring neither satisfaction nor happiness. Everything can get even more tangled if the new passion decides to get a husband in your face at any cost. Let everything go as it should. New relationships will certainly be, but later.
• Clearly identify the reasons for the breakup and draw conclusions. If the wife has changed, then this is not a cause, but a consequence. The real reason could lie in the fact that it was you who paid too little attention to the woman, did not care about her, offended. Find the real reason, work it out and draw conclusions for the future.

There are two ways to start a new life for a man after he has lived through all the stages of his loss: to leave things as they are or to use a divorce as a launching pad for his own take-off. It will not be possible to forget the divorce, but it is quite possible to move away from it, find yourself and try to improve yourself.

But they can be used only when mobilizing the whole complex of typical masculine qualities - from courage to strength of character. It is very important to find new goals, while they must serve to grow personally and emotionally. Even if you really want to return your wife, you should become different, different, more mature and thereby surprise her. It is worth answering questions about what plans you have long wanted to implement, but there was no time or opportunity, and also whether these goals are relevant now.

In order to more easily and profitably survive a divorce, print and hang in a prominent position a few simple recommendations:

• Use every day for personal growth - comprehend the previously unknown.
• Every day do one useful and good deed.
• Be positive.