Should I forgive my wife’s betrayal and how to do it?

In society, there is an opinion that men are less sensitive, that they are less likely to worry because of love mistakes and failures. In fact, representatives of the stronger sex suffer no less than women, they are simply better “disguised”. One of the most difficult questions for men is the question of whether it is worth forgiving the chosen one the fact of treason. The complexity of the situation is that the man simply has nowhere to go for advice: friends and comrades, as well as parents are unlikely to understand, and the adult man did not have to complain to his mother about his wife’s behavior. Russian men are not used to visiting a psychologist, so they are left alone with their misfortune. In this article we will try to find a way out and tell you how to pull ourselves together and make a fateful decision.

Until 2015, a remarkable doctor of sciences, sociologist Andrei Kirillovich Zaitsev lived and worked in Russia, who devoted a large section of his scientific work to psychology and the social aspects of adultery. He claimed that up to 59% of women were mentally prepared for treason. But to be prepared mentally and translate thoughts into reality are two different things. Statistical data from Zaitsev’s research showed that up to 25.4% of women actually cheated on their husbands. In other words, every fourth. If this figure is outrageous, then pay attention to the actual number of male adultery - almost 75%. It is clear that these figures do not at all reassure the man whom the beloved has changed, and therefore let us understand the motives.

A woman, in general, is characterized by a greater attachment to her family and home, women are less likely to destroy their marriages, less likely to leave their husband for another man. And yet, sometimes they change. There are reasons for this.According to the data of the same Andrei Zaitsev, women rarely go on long-term relationships “on the side” - only 20% of traitors have a constant lover, the rest have a “history” of a one-time betrayal.

Among the reasons that respondents anonymously indicated in the questionnaires during the study, the most common is boredom. The woman just became bored and routine. Relations with her husband have lost their former romance, they do not admire her daily and nightly, do not sing serenades and do not make rash acts for the sake of love. It is understandable - a married couple has long been married. If a man underestimates the importance of romantic feelings for his wife, then it is possible that one of the four such wives will still decide on an affair or an affair “on the side”. This is the reason indicated by 22% of women.

Other reasons are arranged in the following order:

• dissatisfaction with sex (quantity, quality, emotional content of sexual intercourse) - 13.5%;
• treason as a revenge for the betrayal of her husband - 10.5% of the fair sex;
• new “true” love, new feelings - 5% of women;
• self-affirmation, a way to increase self-esteem - 3% of women;
• coincidence of circumstances (state of intoxication, a fleeting vivid romance at a corporate party, at a resort) - 1.5% of ladies.

According to experts, there are special prerequisites for the female adultery, which, for the most part, are not characteristic of the stronger sex. Studies have shown that most often a woman changes in the following circumstances:

• the woman had rich sexual experience before marriage, changed many partners;
• her education level is higher than that of her spouse;
• a woman is financially independent of her husband, has a good job and a normal income level (as an option, she feeds her family);
• a woman rarely sees her husband, has little contact with him and does not have common interests (hobbies, music, films);
• the woman is too young (up to 23 years old) or has crossed the 45-year mark.

Be that as it may, sometimes it is very difficult to determine the reason - it is not obvious or is a symbiosis of several risk factors at once.

Before deciding whether to forgive or not forgive a wife who betrayed and betrayed, one should at least try to find out the reason. It is good if the spouse voices her herself, worse if she is silent. In this case, you have to think for yourself, and these thoughts may not be the most pleasant for pride. If you put everything “on the shelves”, then very often the prerequisites are revealed that the man unwittingly created himself - he loved little, did not hug and kiss, did not share her interests and was not interested in her affairs, did not attach importance to feelings in sex, believing that the mechanical process is quite enough for a woman to enjoy.

In a rush, while indignation and resentment boils inside, no decisions should be made. The likelihood of an erroneous decision, which the man later regrets, is too high. There are actually two options for an exit: to collect things and noblely vacate the living space, having set off for a new life in search of new love, or to stay in the family and try to forgive the spouse. It may take a little time for reflection - a few days, or maybe a few months, but for a start you need to decide in what situation it will be more comfortable to live this time.

Everything is individual here. Some people prefer to stay at home and proudly remain silent, while others go to the cottage, to their mother, to a friend to a folding bed, to work with a folding bed. It's your right. Just to think no one bothered.

Much depends on how the culprit of experiences behaves., - if the woman you love is repenting and now regrets what happened, if she is open to dialogue, then it will be easier to agree. Usually women after adultery really feel strong guilt and shame.There are individuals who continue to insist on their innocence, attributing everything that happened to circumstances to a lover or a cheated husband (“he is to blame”). They usually avoid communication after the fact of betrayal is revealed.

You should not assume that a man who is ready to forgive the betrayal of his beloved and stay with her further is a weak character. Yes, in his environment there are many friends who will say just that (and even to his eyes), but this decision is worthy of respect from which side look. It is difficult for men to change their usual life, especially if the marriage lasts a long time (there are children, general loans and a mortgage, mutual friends). The desire to save the family can be stronger, and this is good. Forgiving his wife, he will show nobility and generosity.

The best tactic for a man who decides to forgive is the effective method developed by Maslow. In short, for every negative thought about the wife’s deed, about her personality, for every episode of self-pity, there must be at least two active actions of a creative sense. Example: once thought: “Well, why is she so with me? Well, for her, this and that, and she ... ”- helped the elderly neighbor to take out the trash, voluntarily washed the dishes and helped the child do the homework. Or so: once reproached his wife for her misconduct - twice went to his mother-in-law and helped with the housework. It works flawlessly. Positive activity quickly supplants mental suffering.

Forgive or not - it's up to the man. There is no adviser to him. Only he can evaluate the circumstances, weigh the depth of his feelings, his wife’s readiness for dialogue.

If you decide to save the family and forgive your spouse, you must definitely start with a serious and confidential conversation. There is no need to make excuses and blame her, you just need to summarize your thoughts aloud - "you did so, it already happened, but I was not careful enough either (sympathetic, caring, faithful, etc.)." Do not say “You,” talk more about how you feel now. Call a spade a spade - “offensive”, “difficult”, “scary”, “unpleasant”. But be sure to summarize - you love her, you want her to be near.

The principle formulated by the famous psychologist Polina Gaverdovskaya will help forgive my wife: “No one in the world is obliged to meet your expectations.” Apply it to yourself and your wife. Consider in it a separate personality, and not an application to your beloved. This will help to make a decision with respect to the partner.

Try to look at the situation as an outsider. Imagine watching a movie whose characters (both of you) are in a certain situation. See how “your” character will behave. If he begins to scream and rush about, ruin everything and hit his wife in the face, then you should not start the relationship anew. Internal aggression will one day come out, because it, like everything secret, tends to become apparent.

Agree with your wife about the rules of later life - you don’t remember adultery (although you really can’t forget it, of course), she does not repeat such actions. You do not tell anyone about what happened, you never reproach her, she never reminds of what happened.

Forgiveness does not come immediately. This is a gradual, slow and laborious process.

You should not think that after reconciliation the wife will do everything herself, and the relationship will again become beautiful. It will not happen. We need to work on the restoration of the family together, there are no other options. What does this mean? This means that you have to rethink your daily life. Arriving early from work, drinking beer with friends less often, and spending more time with your wife — go to the cinema, go to the theater with her, just go for a walk in the evening before going to bed. Be sure to take on part of the responsibilities for raising children. It is they who have the magical ability to shape their mother’s attitude towards the man whom they value and love. If you are not ready for this, you should not even try to put the whole responsibility for the relationship on the head of the guilty wife.

Take the Maslow practice described above, which probably helped you in the first days and weeks after a personal drama into service together. Do creative things together - make repairs in the kitchen together, try to diversify your intimate life.

What can be done if the wife has changed, it’s hard to say. The answer depends on how the man was brought up, in what family he grew up, what examples in the person of his parents he saw, what books he read. But here with the list of what you can’t do, every man in this situation must definitely get acquainted so as not to aggravate the situation.

• Get into alcoholic "anesthesia." Mental pain increases in proportion to the amount of alcohol, remember this in the most difficult minutes.
• Depreciate all women, become cynical towards them. Whether you have forgiven your wife or not, the other women are not to blame for anything. Think of the wives of the Decembrists, of Juliet, of the hundreds of thousands of Soviet women who were waiting for husbands from the front. Negative mood will decrease.
• To humiliate a wife. It doesn't matter if you leave or stay, just respect her as yourself. Do not humiliate or dictate terms.
• Dissolve your hands, even if you really want to slap the other half. Neither honor nor male dignity in the universal sense of the word will add to this.
• Set up against the wife (or ex-wife) of children, parents, mutual friends, form a negative opinion about her. No one needs to know about just the two of you. Let everything remain your secret.
• Do not lose self-esteem if you could not save the marriage or there is nothing to save.

To forgive betrayal or not, see the next video.