Cheating on a wife with a husband's friend: reasons and further actions

Cheating on a wife with a spouse's friend is a common situation. She is not only the favorite scripted move of the directors of the series, but also quite an unsightly reality, since, according to statistics, women quite often choose their husband’s friend as their lover (permanent or once). The leaders among lovers of married women, of course, are work colleagues (up to 35% of all female infidelities), but the adultery with friends of the spouse also accounts for a substantial share - up to 22%. In a difficult situation in this case, three people fall at once - a husband, wife and friend. Everyone loses more than they gain, but the hardest part, of course, is the deceived husband, because for him it is a double betrayal. In this article, we will consider the features and causes of such a betrayal and tell you whether it is worth forgiving and how to do it if this still happened.

It is difficult to say that it will be more difficult for a man to forgive a wife who has changed, or to forgive a friend. It so happened that male friendship is always more monolithic than female, and a friend’s betrayal for a man can be a much more painful fact than his wife’s adultery. The world for a husband is literally collapsing, because he has the illusion that no one else can trust in him at all - neither friends nor women.

For a wife, the situation can be different - it all depends on the degree of her feelings for her lawful spouse and his comrade. For the best friend, the revealed betrayal most likely means the end of friendship, no matter how many years it is - biologically polygamous males do not coexist on the same territory, and therefore further communication will be almost impossible.

The deceived spouse, as soon as the first sharp and sudden pain subsides a little, will necessarily take up an internal analysis of the reasons why his missus decided on such an act. At the same time, he will almost internally justify the friend’s act - he understands that there are situations when to give up the opportunity and not use it above male forces. But he can hardly understand why a friend did not remember his duty to him.

The psychology of adultery in Russia was studied by the sociologist and president of the Association of Sociologists of the Russian Federation, Andrei Zaitsev, who, unfortunately, passed away in 2015. He tried to find the root causes that push men and women to infidelity. Numerous sociological studies that he conducted showed that in his imagination mentally to his husbands cheating up to 59% of the fair sex. In practice, about 25% of ladies do this. At the same time, infidelity is most often disposable (80%), much less often women maintain a long intimate relationship with their lover.

Why exactly the husband’s friend? Because he is more likely than other men to be in the same company with spouses, because with a long and close friendship, people usually make friends with “families”, because he is well known to a woman and they have a lot in common. Sometimes wives even consult with their spouse's best friend - first, they ask for advice about what to buy for a husband as a gift, and then about family problems. More often, such a betrayal occurs involuntarily, under the influence of the situation, it is not planned - they drank too much, found themselves alone in some difficult or tragic circumstances, etc.

A fairly common cause is boredom. - the woman has a lot of free time, and relations with her husband began to fade, there was an inevitable addiction to each other, feelings are not the same, sex has lost its novelty, resentment has accumulated over the years. If, at the same time, the husband’s friend turns out to be there more often than the husband himself, then it’s not far from trouble, especially since the husband has no time and the friend is always ready to listen to the woman, especially if he likes her.

Another question is why do wives of friends always seem more attractive than their own? It is difficult to explain this, most often the reason is the desire to feel adrenaline, to be liked by someone other than their own legal spouse, as well as the inherent competition for the possession of a large number of females, which is natural for men by nature. No matter how we talk about the consciousness and predominance of man over the natural world, the ancient laws of the animal world very often control the deeds and actions of people. And you won’t get anywhere from this.

According to sociologists and psychologists, a woman for infidelity has other reasons:

• dissatisfaction with the quality or quantity of sex in marriage;
• treason for treason - a mirror revenge to her husband for similar behavior;
• self-affirmation, increase of self-esteem;
• lack of common interests, common goals with the spouse;
• real new feelings.

It should be noted that it is not so common to really fall in love with your husband’s friend. But if this happens, then it is usually not possible to stop a woman from breaking up the family. In other cases, women who are more attached to the hearth, feel guilty and are not ready for divorce.

The risk factors that a man should pay attention to are diverse. More often than not, their husbands are changed by women who have received a higher level of education than their spouse, who earn more, financially independent women, women who very rarely see their husbands because of their employment, and those who experience a chronic lack of understanding on the part of their legal spouse.

A lot for a man and other adultery participants depends on how and under what circumstances treason was discovered. The most dangerous situation is that the husband returned ahead of time and found his wife and his friend in an unequivocal position. It is in such situations that spontaneous killings most often occur.

If at the same time the man managed to cope with the desire to grab knives and axes, then he should leave the apartment or the place where he found his lovers as soon as possible. Neither scandal nor trying to figure out what is happening is worth it. In any case, not now.

If the husband did not become a witness to the betrayal, but the information reached him and it is reasonable and confirmed, but here the forecasts for lovers are much more favorable. The deceived husband, again, is not recommended to immediately initiate proceedings.

At first there will be denial, unwillingness to accept reality as it is. Then the stage of protest will begin - it is important to deal with this stage by more than one. Let there be someone nearby who can stop from erroneous actions - brother, comrade, neighbor, work colleague.

Friends are unlikely to advise forgiving a guilty wife. This, in the understanding of most men, is unacceptable. But there will be plenty of advice on how to sophisticatedly and brutally crack down on an already former friend. Is this what you want to hear? Most likely no. If you go to a psychologist or psychotherapist - beyond strength, you will have to make a decision on your own.

Try to fence yourself off, look at the situation from the side, on behalf of each of the participants. Make an appointment with your wife - you definitely need to talk, even if you no longer intend to save your family. Make an appointment with a friend? It’s up to you to decide, but he’s unlikely to say something original, most comrades caught on adultery begin to shift the blame for what happened to his wife, and sometimes they even blame the deceived husband for not taking the advice when he chose this woman as his companion of life. If there is a need to talk with a former friend, say it, but in no case try to provoke a fight or violence. Only a calm tone, without charge.

With my wife, it’s important to try together to figure out why it all happened. If the husband himself indirectly created favorable conditions for adultery, he must honestly and openly admit it. To insult or beat a woman is lower than the dignity of a real man, and therefore it is not worth it to fall exactly to the level of the marginal.

Can I forgive my wife in this situation? Can. Is it possible to save a family? It is also possible. But it should be clearly understood whether this is necessary. The fact is that forgiveness in itself is not an instant, not an instant thing, it comes gradually, consciously, it still needs to be “lived through” to it. If a woman refuses dialogue, wants a divorce, do not be humiliated. You should not force her to humiliate herself if she begs forgiveness. Reveling in the sight of a crying woman crawling on her lap is psychological sadism.

If a woman is determined to save the family, take a time out to think, do not rush.In addition to the unpleasant and difficult act, the wife is something else important for you: she is a good person, an excellent mother, a caring wife. This can sometimes outweigh the grievances. Consider the fact that she herself can terribly repent of her deed. Does she have the right to make a mistake? And you? If you are a sane person and understand that all people have the right to make a mistake, it is time to answer the question, will you forgive her.

Men often depend on public opinion, moreover, representatives of the weaker sex. They care about what friends and comrades, relatives and neighbors will say if the fact of cheating with their friend has already become public. And they, most likely, he will say - henpecked and weak-minded man, once he was able to stay and live on with this woman. You need to honestly answer yourself the question - which is more expensive: the opinion of society or relations with a particular woman. If the second, then do not look back at others.

If everything inside resists the idea of ​​again going to bed with this woman, sitting at the same table, then you should not return to the relationship. If you want to save your family - act boldly. Forgiveness in such a situation requires a man of great courage and generosity, great love for his family, for his wife.

The method proposed by Abraham Harold Maslow, an American psychologist and founder of the school of humanistic psychology, is very useful at this stage. He proposed replacing one negative thought form with two useful and creative actions. The method is called effective action, it is widely used in psychotherapy of losses, disappointment and other painful problems that can be difficult to survive.

How it works: in the morning, the husband at breakfast remembered the unpleasant act of his wife, threw her an insulting word. Following this, he should do two real creative things, for example, help a neighbor in the garage change the starter in a car for free, and also go to his mother-in-law and voluntarily offer her help in painting the walls in the pantry. There must be a positive reaction to every negative action. Gradually, unpleasant memories are supplanted from memory. Of course, it will not work to forget completely, but it helps a lot to distract oneself from one’s suffering.

A wife does not need to be humiliated, put her own conditions, totally control her and suspect her of adultery until she is old. To remain silent is also a sure way to divorce. Try to understand and respect her as a person, as your companion, as the mother of your children.

It will be difficult to establish sexual contacts - technical difficulties may arise with the actual performance of conjugal duty. If six months after the betrayal, it is not possible to establish an intimate life with your wife, you should contact a psychotherapist - such conditions are corrected by hypnotherapy and other methods.

If you are a lucky person who is fortunate enough to have a beautiful wife and a best friend in life, take care of them and try to keep the relationship between all of them up to standard. It is important from the very beginning to outline the boundaries of what is acceptable for a friend and for a spouse - in fact, nobody needs their meetings without your presence. If, of course, you went to the hospital, and they both came to visit the patient, then this is understandable.

Try to be closer to your spouse, always support her point of view in disputes with her best friend, "play along" with her. If a woman feels support precisely from her husband, she is unlikely to be ashamed of his friend.And the comrade himself will quickly understand that this territory is a “taboo” for him.

Solve your personal problems with your wife, not with a friend, do not discuss her behind her back with a friend. In quarrels it is better to deal with her, listen to her and do not leave the dialogue, otherwise she will find “free ears” in the face of your close friend.

Be vigilant at joint holidays, especially if they are held at a laid table or outdoors with alcohol. Do not quarrel with your wife after a glass of alcohol, do not leave her alone for a long time, do not offend her, especially with friends, so as not to create the ground so that one stands up for her or begins to express her sympathy for her. On such a favorable soil, adultery seeds quickly grow.

See the next video about the reasons for a wife cheating with a husband’s friend.