Adultery is a hot topic. Those who suspect her torment themselves and others with mental torment; those who cheat are tired of lies and constant fear of being exposed. A completed adultery often causes divorce and separation. But is betrayal as simple as it seems? Are there ways to forgive her and maintain a relationship, what reasons push men and women to infidelity, we will tell in this article.
What is considered cheating in marriage?
In the concept of “betrayal," everyone puts their own set of ideas and it depends on education, professed religion, life experience and individual character traits. For some, the fact of bodily, physical betrayal is important, while others attach greater importance to the moral aspect and scolded feelings. Very often treason is compared to betrayal. Marital infidelity is considered sinful in almost all religions, it is condemned. In this case, the definition of infidelity as such applies only to sexual relations with another partner with whom a person is not married.
In practice, such a definition looks rather mean and scarce, since it does not reflect all the nuances. It is a mistake to believe that treason is limited only by the boundaries of the boudoir. Today the world offers many ways of other forms of communication outside of marriage, but because some consider it a betrayal and virtual communication with someone on intimate topics, and virtual sex and other electronic forms of erotic communication.
Treason is multifaceted. This includes the lie that invariably accompanies attempts to hide the truth from the partner, and neglect of his personal interests and requests, and violation of these promises.
Adultery, despite the fact that it appeared in antiquity, almost simultaneously with the institution of marriage, is shrouded in many myths, which also leave their mark on the idea of adultery as such. So, it is believed that rich men and women change more often than the poor. This is not so - moreover, it is poor women who are more prone to betrayal than rich women, which can not be said about men.
It is believed that the one who stopped loving or did not really love becomes a cheater. This is fundamentally wrong, very often betrayers are reverent and tender towards their soul mates and their plans do not include divorce and separation. Love as a feeling and sex on the side without such a sense distinguishes most men, which cannot be said about women, since for them there should be at least a minimal emotional, sensual component.
Many people think that “they don’t walk from good sex in the family”, and sincerely believe that the diversity in the bedroom is a panacea for betraying a partner. Not at all, because there are other reasons for adultery, and sexual dissatisfaction is far from the most important of them. The allegations that men change more often than women are, in principle, true, and sociologists confirm this: 75% of unfaithful men in Russia account for up to 25% of women who decide on adultery.
Causes
If you look at the facts of adultery more closely, it will become quite obvious that men and women are cheating for various reasons. This was also emphasized by the famous Russian sociologist Andrei Zaitsev, who devoted a considerable part of his work to the preservation of the institution of marriage.
Andrei Zaitsev identified several reasons specific to male and female adultery. At the same time, very interesting trends were outlined. If earlier it was believed that men go “to the side” solely at the call of nature, which dictates to them polygamy and indefatigable libido, then sociological studies have shown that, due to dissatisfaction with the quality or quantity of sexual relations in a marriage, only 9% of the stronger sex changes. Another 2% honestly admit to themselves outstanding sexual needs and abilities that clearly exceed similar indicators, while they do not connect their adventures of "health for the sake" in any way with the realm of feelings, love, and family are not ruined.
Please note that far more men (from 14%) claim that they began to change because of the need for falling in love, in emotional new sensations, and sex as such did not play a role. This often happens in families in which the spouses are already accustomed to each other, their feelings faded somewhat, but they have not lived so much together to come to terms with the spiritual vacuum that has arisen after the loss of a bright love.
About 6-7% of men meet new true love outside the family. And there is nothing to be done: as a rule, their marriages end in divorce on their own initiative or on the initiative of his wife. Self-esteem is increased to 10% of unfaithful men, but here we are talking mainly about the representatives of the stronger sex with low self-esteem. Up to 9-10% of men indicate that the reason for the betrayal was a long trip, departure; however, most of these men do not see anything criminal in temporarily replacing their spouse. In 14% of cases, men indicate “chance” as the reason. This is a whole complex of very different circumstances in which he simply could not resist or did not give himself a full report: corporate party, company with alcohol. A small degree of alcoholic intoxication strengthens sexual desire and weakens internal prohibitions even in very principled men.
For reasons of revenge, men change infrequently, but a conflict with a wife, a quarrel, may well push the representative of the stronger sex towards adultery in order to simply prove to himself that he is a free and independent person.Features of male adultery are that most traitors are usually confident in their own abilities: if the spouse suddenly finds out, then he will be able to solve the issue with gifts, persuasion, scandal or blackmail in the end. Men are more often convinced that the wife will not know anything and will not guess anything.
For the most part, female infidelity is an escape from family relationships that do not suit her. The most common cause of female adultery is a situation in which the wife does not feel her husband's love, does not see her manifestations, does not receive emotional support, attention, does not have financial assistance and in the household. This is the reason for betrayal in about 35% of cases, in any case, this is exactly what women indicated in an anonymous survey conducted by Zaitsev. Thus, on the “side”, a woman seeks not so much sex as emotional support and attention.
It can be more difficult for a woman to decide on treason, she goes on for longer, and, as a rule, more women than men decide on a serious relationship “on the side”. Therefore, there are frequent cases when true love outside of marriage forces a woman to abandon the ancient instinct of preserving the hearth and destroy the family for a new life. Men usually do not avenge treason for treason, and this is quite expected from a woman: up to 10% of unfaithful wives reported that they were cheating on their husband only because he had cheated on them. Sometimes women over 35 years old try to extend youth and increase self-esteem, if their spouses do not understand that after 15 years of marriage, the wife really needs male admiration.
About 2% of traitors are decided to commit treason due to purely business (career) reasons, and due to a random combination of circumstances - corporate, alcohol - changes about 4% of unfaithful wives. About 1% of unfaithful married women indicate that they use adultery as a way to earn extra money or receive expensive gifts from a lover. A distinctive feature of female adultery is the presence of one lover, while a man may have several lovers at the same time. Moreover, more often a woman completely refuses to have sex in the family, while an unfaithful husband can maintain sexual contact with both his wife and his mistress.
Detection Methods
Usually, women begin to guess what they are cheating on earlier than men, because women have developed intuition. There are quite a lot of ways to identify betrayal in the family, it all depends on what the cheated spouse considers acceptable and acceptable for himself. It’s easier for one to talk with a partner heart to heart, arrange everything on the shelves, look at the partner’s reaction and draw conclusions. Others arrange espionage, reading messages, checking a mobile phone, e-mail, tracking the routes to and from work. Still others hire a private detective or ask a friend to watch her husband. Four of them start a fake account on the Internet and flirt with their own spouse on behalf of someone else and incline to intimacy.
There are many signs that may indicate treason. But each of them (and this should not be forgotten!) May not talk about anything like that. For example, refusal of sex can be a sign of illness, stress, fatigue, and nothing more; and being late home from work can be explained by a man’s desire to meet a friend and have a beer. It is very easy to come up with an imaginary betrayal and begin to suffer for it quite real. And here it will be just a stone's throw to the pathological form of jealousy: paranoid delirium. Even if a betrayal of a partner hit you unexpectedly “like snow on your head”, there is always a way out, it is only important to know exactly what you want, whether you want to maintain a relationship and whether you are ready for corrective work “on mistakes”.
Revenge or forgive?
The answer to this question is very simple. Revenge is destructive not only to those to whom revenge. First of all, she cripples and deforms the identity of the one who takes revenge.It is based on anger and anger, it kills in a person all the best that was given to him initially. Of course, the desire to avenge the betrayer for the scolded feelings and lost trust, especially at the very beginning, will be strong. He must be dealt with at all costs. Do not stoop, do not lose self-esteem.
After the situation is well thought out, the reasons are analyzed, understanding will come - to forgive or not to forgive. Forgiveness is the act of strong and adult people. Only generous people can forgive. There is a reason to become the same, because you still need to forgive a person, even if you continue to live with him is not included in your plans. To forgive means to justify, admit and share one's own guilt in what happened. But do not get carried away and do not begin to engage in self-discipline.
Is it possible to save a family?
It is only possible to save the family after adultery if both spouses are inclined to this and want it. It is important to remember that after the cheater is forgiven, certain changes must occur in the life of the couple. Leaving it as it is is impossible. It is necessary to discuss and discuss the responsibilities for housekeeping and general obligations. It is necessary to eliminate the original cause of treason. Saving a family will require a lot of spiritual and psychological work on yourself. And each of the partners will deal with it. Otherwise, the family cannot be saved.
How to prevent cheating?
Given the large number of reasons that may become a motive for adultery, specific prevention of adultery does not exist. Just read the section about what often leads to the infidelity of husbands and wives, and try to act "from the opposite." It is important for a man more often to express his feelings for his wife, not to skimp on tenderness and participation, care. It is important for a woman to avoid tantrums and scandals from scratch, suspicions and dryness in the manifestation of her feelings for her husband - a good word and a man is pleased!
Common interests and common leisure are able to hold spouses together better than any prohibitions and restrictions. A friendly participation in the life of a loved one and the rejection of criticism, claims and nit-picking will increase the degree of trust in each other, which ultimately will become a solid foundation for honest relations. Unfortunately, all these measures do not guarantee betrayal “by coincidence,” of involuntary adultery, but if you have good relations, it will be much easier to forgive and accept the situation and find a worthy exit from it.
For signs of adultery, see the next video.
