Should I forgive my husband’s betrayal and how to live on?

Unfortunately, the pain that a wife experiences when she finds out that her closest person has betrayed her, having changed with another, is familiar to many women. Cold, numbness, resentment, pain, fury, anger - this is not the whole range of feelings experienced when they learn about treason. As a rule, female intuition even without serious evidence suggests when the spouse is unfaithful. Although sometimes there are unjustified fears transmitted “by inheritance” to a girl from her female entourage: mothers, grandmothers, friends with bitter experience. It is worth considering the situation when adultery has already become a fact.

For the first time faced with treason, the thought pulsates in the head - for what. The emotions raging at such a moment will not help with the solution, in fact, of the key issue in the situation. Yes, now you are very ill and hurt. It seems that this feeling is "tearing apart" your whole being. But note - this is your feeling, not yours. You yourself are safe and sound. After a while, you will begin to feel fuller, then it will be easier for you to continue reading and perceive what is written.

The question “why” comes later, when the storm of passions subsides and the head slowly turns on, which begins to reflect. More often, “why” is included when the husband is not the first time cheating, or even permanent cheating in the family. A woman wants to know the reasons to find the right way out of the situation when the husband cheated on his wife. So, it is worth considering in more detail the main possible causes of treason.

• Parenting. The culture of modern society allows free behavior in the family, in particular, in relation to the wife.If you pay attention to the information of the media, magazines, social talk, you will notice that often respectable relations in the family are ridiculed, loyalty and clean relations become the subject of ridicule. In families where loyalty is valued and information purity is maintained, men are brought up with an appropriate attitude towards women. Unfortunately, today this is not a frequent occurrence. There are quite a few men raised in the spirit of freedom from various restrictions, including sexual ones.
• Dissatisfaction of a man with a sexual life in the family. This reason can be objectively caused by the fact that a woman refuses intimate relationships or is not interested in them to the extent that her husband does, and therefore does not diversify them. Or the reason is a consequence of the licentious upbringing of the husband, who puts sexual games above spiritual relationships in the family.
• Dissatisfaction of the husband with a spiritual relationship with his wife. Despite the materiality of modern thinking, this is a common cause of male adultery. Any person, whether male or female, needs a spouse to accept his inner world, his only inherent qualities, in sharing his views, values ​​with a loved one. Another question is that we often do not show ourselves as real at the beginning of a relationship, and then, when we open up to each other in the process of relations, we “don’t recognize” the image of the spouse created at the beginning. And then it turns out that he (she) does not need and do not care about your ideals and values, the partner does not at all share your views that you discussed at the beginning. There is a rejection of each other, as a result of this, the spouse begins to look for a new place where he will be accepted as he is.

• Routine. It manifests itself in male and female versions. Women's routine: she gives herself all to her husband, children, home, respectively, does not have time to take care of herself (appearance, development, and so on); or, having “acquired”, finally, a man as a husband, he calms down and also ceases to pay attention to his appearance and spiritual life. The same can be said about the men's routine, but only with the difference that due to the influence of hyperresponsibility he goes headlong to work or having decided that his wife will not go anywhere, he prefers to “push through” the sofa often in the company of a beer.
• Self-affirmation of a man. Treason on the part of the husband is possible when he feels his inferiority in the family. Perhaps the woman really belittles her husband, and it doesn’t matter in words or actions, or even mentally, because he still feels a dismissive attitude towards himself. Although it happens that a man entered the family already with a sense of inferiority instilled in his parental family, then even an ordinary request can be perceived by him as a nit-picking or demand. In this case, he will look for relationships in which he feels higher.
• Female jealousy. There are cases when a woman experiences a feeling of inferiority. It may seem to her that the husband pays special attention to other women, and she is not enough, while he needs to communicate with them at work. She can check his phone, eavesdrop on conversations, follow him, arrange jealousy scenes, control her man.

To get an answer to this question, first of all answer yourself one more - what is the share of my responsibility in what happened. If you are able to ponder and analyze the reasons, the answer will be unequivocal: even when you think about revenge plans, you lose the energy you need now to understand the situation and solve it in the most favorable way for you.Now imagine the picture that you still took revenge by cheating on your husband: do you feel peace and tranquility, imagining it. If you really want to solve the problem, you should immediately discard all thoughts of revenge. Even if you decide to part with your husband, you should understand and understand what happened. This will help you in the future to avoid and not repeat such mistakes.

If your spouse repents and apologizes, you have a chance to fix it. To do this, you need to talk with him and find out the reason for his act. Speaking of forgiveness, it is important for both of you to understand: why this happened, how to fix it and how to live on.

The most important thing in the circumstances is a frank conversation with her husband. Of course, it is advisable to speak only after you have calmed down and decided to clarify the situation completely. Quietly ask him to explain everything to you. Remember that both of you are somewhat responsible for what happened, so do not put pressure on your spouse. Try to perceive his story with a cold head, listen to everything. If the husband does not go into an open conversation, dissuades with the phrases “I'm sorry, this will not happen again”, gently point him to this, make it clear that sincerity in relations is important to you in the first place to continue them. A man, for whom it is important to maintain a relationship, heeds the calm judiciousness of his wife.

And if a woman, having learned about the infidelity, begins to make scandals, make demands, threaten to leave, and so on, then he will most likely want to escape from this, and, most likely, to the one with whom he changed. Put yourself in his place, then you will understand that this is quite logical, especially if the scenes are repeated. And you would want to escape from the constant emotional outbursts. Therefore, self-control is your trump card in building further relationships in the family.

If you want to build a strong relationship based on sincerity, then you need to discuss issues together. You can not "grind" everything in your poor head alone, you need to do this only when you need to calm down and put your thoughts in order.

Review the relationship in your family, taking into account the reasons that could push a man to commit treason. Perhaps you are too jealous and bother your husband with excessive attention or even surveillance. Or one of you (or maybe together) was dragged out by a routine, you abandoned yourself and (or) your relationship. If you put any of the areas of your life (children, home, work) above the relationship with your spouse, then they begin to crack. Pay attention to how you usually talk with your husband, what tone, whether there is edification in him. Maybe you are unflattering about him when talking with friends or other people. In this case, do not be surprised that the husband asserts himself elsewhere.

Are you truly honest and trust each other your innermost thoughts, dreams, plans. Or avoid such talk. Do you want to open your spouse your inner world and learn about the treasures of the corners of his soul.

After you have figured out the reasons, it would be nice to discuss what each of you should do to strengthen your family (mutual responsibility should be remembered).Try to figure it out together: what you lack for a happy and harmonious relationship, what resources you are willing to invest to improve them. If you feel that your life has “eaten” you, tell your husband about it, offer to distribute some of your duties. Or, on the contrary, if he has problems with excessive responsibility - support him, suggest that he switch to a more gentle work schedule, then you can spend more time with each other.

Pay attention to yourself - do you care about your appearance, do you want to look not only neat, but also beautiful. It is important that this desire is not imposed, but goes from the inside, because it’s nice to like yourself when you cook soup and even when doing laundry, then your updating process will be natural. It is worth answering the questions - do you devote time to your spiritual development, sometimes go to concerts or performances, are interested in developing literature or video films, or give yourself the opportunity to just sit quietly in an armchair with your favorite book. If not - allow yourself, finally, to show interest in what you like, do it with pleasure. It may seem to you that there is no time to do this, but it only means that if you infringe on yourself in one, then you invest too much energy in another occupation.

Define together: what both of you lack to be understood by each other. Earlier in Russia there was a custom called mercy. One day every week, the spouses put off all affairs, sent their children to their grandmothers and talked heart to heart. They expressed alternately what they like and dislike in the actions of another, as they would like it to be, decide together what needs to be done to correct the situation. This custom helped not to accumulate insults in oneself, to be understandable and understood by one's soul mate.

Try and you introduce such a tradition in your family. Specify, if it is impossible all day, then a certain time per week, when you will be in a calm atmosphere, being free from worries, “have mercy” on each other, that is, trust your partner with your thoughts, joys or doubts. Learn to talk about problems in a calm environment so that your feelings have a way out. And then neither he nor you will need to seek solace anywhere else. Such practice will help in the future to discuss sacred topics, which are also important to understand, because intimate issues are easier to solve in a confidential atmosphere, when your loved one opens up and is ready to share his feelings and desires.

Test your self-esteem - are you confident in yourself as a woman, mother, mistress, behave naturally in these roles, in accordance with an internal impulse or constantly proving something to someone, or, conversely, expecting advice from someone, maybe even mentally. Watch yourself. If you notice similar signs, then most likely you are unsure of yourself. Get together. You are a complete person. The Creator created us in his own image and, therefore, self-sufficient. Tell your firm word to your internal opponents or advisers that you yourself can cope with difficulties and no longer need their hints.

And listen more to yourself. Remember that initially all the knowledge is inherent in us, all the information necessary for the ability to interact with each other. Believe in yourself and your husband. If you feel his vulnerability, then this faith will support him.

Now that you yourself and your spouse figured out the situation, understand how you want, and what should not be done in the future, you should forget the situation itself as a bad dream and live on. If you need a psychologist’s opinion on how to live on, let go of the problem, do not let it hurt you and torment your family. Imagine that it flies away from you like a balloon into the sky and dissolves there forever. The task of the woman in the family and the family is to be able to forgive and help her family cope with troubles and pain. This may seem like a difficult task, but no one will argue that this role is nevertheless closer to a woman than a man by her spiritual qualities. Although the nature of a man is, first of all, his inner strength, which is also able to protect his family from troubles. The development of these qualities in him depends on women. To do this, let him take care of you.

Learn to love yourself and your husband. And this does not mean that you have to spend days looking at yourself in the mirror or making an icon out of it. You are not only what is outside. Learn to enjoy all the processes taking place in your life. Do not put material in the foreground, let everything be in moderation. Understand that even a broken thing may turn out to be an occasion for your interaction and his concern: let him spin around a broken stove while you are peeling vegetables for your lunch in the kitchen (near you), or wrap you with a blanket (or better, wrap yourself with you) if they turned off the electricity, and it became cold in the house.