How to understand that the husband is cheating?

Women have a more developed intuition than men, and therefore they often begin to speculate on cheating spouses long before the facts become obvious. The fair sex literally "catch" incomprehensible, new vibes, but can not always explain them. Naturally, all women are interested in how to understand what the husband is cheating on, as well as what to do and how to behave if suspicions have already appeared. In this article we will try to give detailed answers to all these female burning questions.

The chastity and inviolability of marriage is no longer the same as a century ago. And therefore, divorces happen more often. One of the common reasons for terminating marital relations is treason. At the same time, according to sociologists, the share of male adultery in Russia accounts for about 75% of the total number of adultery, while women change much less frequently - in about 25% of cases.

Psychologists, psychotherapists, and sociologists deal with questions of the causes of adultery, statistics, and the search for ways out of a dysfunctional marriage situation in the country. A lot is known today about the mechanisms and psychological processes that accompany treason, but so far this, unfortunately, does not allow reducing the number of divorces due to adultery.

Nature has created women more sensitive to future events. Developed intuition is an ability that allows you to anticipate negative situations and danger in order to save (hide, protect) offspring. In vain, men believe that a well-arranged betrayal with all the measures taken for conspiracy will go unnoticed by his wife.Conspiracy will deprive a woman of evidence, but any woman is capable of feeling the slightest changes in her husband's behavior. And she will do it, there is no doubt at all. As for the evidence, a woman who feels that something is amiss is sure to find it, even if conspiracy measures were thought out to the smallest detail.

Foreboding and speculation is a very difficult period. It can be incredibly difficult for a woman to control herself and keep calm. Inside, a whole ocean of emotions is raging in her, capable of destroying not only marriage, but also her inside. Here, the main thing is not to cross the permissible line, because from ordinary jealousy to pathological paranoid - one small step. In a state of irrational jealousy, which psychiatrists attribute to delusional states of the paranoid type, a woman will no longer hear arguments, the voice of reason and arguments. She will be sure that her husband has changed, even if in fact there was no adultery. Gradually, the manic stage will be replaced by the paranoid, and the woman runs the risk of becoming a patient in a psychiatric clinic or a murderer, because this is a real and serious mental illness.

Therefore, when there are suspicions of an unfaithful spouse, it is important not to “go too far”. Best of all, try to look at the situation from the side. All grounds for suspicion are usually indirect. In fact, they may turn out to be completely different from what they seem. Think about how ugly and humiliating you will look if you start to cause tantrums, scandals, showdowns, shout at your husband and accuse him of what you yourself are not sure about: the fact of treason! For a man, a very important feeling is a sense of respect for his life partner. If for some reason he loses respect, everything else disappears: love, affection, desire.

The surest way to ruin relationships at this stage is to break his respect for you. To do this, as already said, there is nowhere simpler: start screaming, crying, throwing a tantrum whenever he returns from work, shake his breasts, blame everything on earth; demand to give the name of his mistress, go to his work and complain to the staff, call every half an hour, check his phone and mail. All this quite quickly will convince the man that with such a life partner he is no longer on his way. And regardless of whether he cheated or not, the marriage will break up.

A conversation from an accusatory monologue is different in that it involves two people who respect each other. They do not yell and do not “poke”, do not recall each other's mistakes and mistakes, they talk specifically about the problem that is taking place right now. For the dialogue to take place, you need to choose the right time. The husband should be set up for conversation, he should not rush to work at this moment, and even more so you should not talk about it by phone or write messages to him. In this conversation you need to see the eyes of a person, to hear the slightest changes in the tone of voice.

It is better to conduct an important conversation in a relaxed atmosphere, on a weekend, staying together when the man is relaxed and does not expect a “trick”.You don’t need to tell him in advance that “a serious conversation is waiting for him”, this will make him tense, and if betrayal does take place, he will also have time to prepare a couple of dozen weighty “excuses”, since he will intuitively understand what this your the promised conversation.

How to ask a man? Directly. Do without a long introduction. Share your concerns, tell us how you feel, but do it as calmly and favorably as possible. For a minute, do not lose sight of the idea that no one in the world is obliged to meet someone's expectations. Respect your partner. Speak not about him, but about what kind of feelings your actions cause you. Give all the inaccuracies and inconsistencies you noticed in his behavior and words, tell us about what you noticed. Do not cry or scream. Do everything in a quiet, calm voice.

Watch the reaction carefully. Confusion, hidden eyes, avoiding conversation, the demand to stop talking right now, should alert. Will the husband tell the truth? Do not rely heavily on this. Yes, there are situations in which a husband “pressed against the wall” with valid arguments really admits his guilt and tries to explain himself or goes to collect things in order to leave. But in most cases, the husband will say that all this is “your nonsense”, that it is “nonsense”, “untruth” and, in general, “you need to think less.”

It’s important, dear women, not exactly what he will say. His first non-speech reaction is important. Look at both: he tensed, turned pale, started nervously tugging at something in his hands, squeezing knuckles, rubbing an Adam's apple, cheek, nose, looks away, squeezes his earlobe, avoids a direct look; immediately stops talking and leaves the room, turns into an aggressive verbal attack - all these are alarming signs, saying that he is frantically looking for words and explanations, he is lying. Remember that the first reaction will not last long, then the unfaithful husband will pull himself together (men know how to do it much faster!) And tell you so many interesting stories that it will be difficult to understand where the truth is and where is the fiction.

A man who has not cheated may react differently. Most often he will listen attentively, and then he will laugh heartily, and maybe he will be offended, but he will do it without tension, quite sincerely.

The most difficult thing is to distinguish the signs of betrayal from the manifestations of various other life circumstances in the life of your partner. On the Internet, worried wives can find several hundred thousand articles and publications that offer ready-made solutions: lists of signs that point to adultery. Do not flatter yourself and do not take them into service, since most of them can be caused by completely different reasons. Learn to reason logically. So, we take a pen and a piece of paper, and for each item we weight the facts from two positions: “changed” and “did not change”. Let's start right now.

Husbands who have an “on the outside” relationship really become less attentive to your instructions and requests. In the morning they asked him on the way home to buy something, but he forgot. The date of your wedding, for which you were so prepared, “flew” from his mind. You call him to the cinema, and he complains that he is tired and better lies down at the TV on the weekend. On offers to make love, he often responds with a refusal, again referring to fatigue.

On the other hand, this behavior can be caused by physiological problems: he really gets tired, works 12 hours a day with one day off, he has problems at work, difficulties with finances.It is possible that there were problems with potency, and it is easier for him to say that he is tired than trying to recognize his own sexual dysfunction (a topic for men is extremely painful). And in honor of male forgetfulness, in general, you can add songs, therefore, the fact that he forgot about the date of his acquaintance, which was 10 years ago, is not a reason to blame him for treason, this is just a feature of male memory: the long-term memory of the stronger sex is “lame” On both legs. The lack of sexual desires in the family bed also does not mean betrayal, because men are very sensitive to any stress. Only in the movie, the hero in a state of stress is capable of bed scenes. In life, problems greatly inhibit libido in men.

Basically, men do not hide from their mistresses that they are married, and therefore they do not need to remove the ring. The exception is serious falling in love. If a man really falls in love and does not want the girl to know about his status, so as not to frighten her, he can really take off the ring for some time. Some take it off completely and leave it at home, others do it every day in the morning, leaving the house. Observe.

On the other hand, the ring can become small or large, because a person is losing weight and getting fat, he has edema, and therefore wearing a ring without adultery can sometimes become difficult.

This sign is one of the first. But to call it explicit is very difficult. This does not even mean changes in his behavior and habits, but the speed with which these changes occur. Yesterday I was still lying on the couch and drinking beer for a football match, but today I enrolled in the gym and was puzzled by the reduction in extra pounds. It is precisely the spontaneity and sharpness of these changes that can suggest that the husband is cheating. It is important to evaluate his attitude to his wife: a man who feels guilty for hiking “to the left” suddenly becomes very caring, sympathetic, and a husband who does not feel guilt, often gets angry at his wife for no apparent reason, shouts, criticizes, points out her shortcomings.

We look at the problem from the other side. There can be any number of reasons for shouting at a wife and criticizing her. A husband can be angry even if the relationship leaves much to be desired, if she does not monitor her appearance, does not cope with housekeeping, raising children, and it is not at all necessary that he has someone “on the side”. His abrupt changes, going to the gym and interest in his appearance may be connected with the banal desire to lose weight and return to his previous form, as his best friend did.

It is possible that you used both to use one common electronic mail box, and now your husband has got his own and tries not to show you what he is doing there. A man whose relationship outside the family is accompanied by correspondence, indeed, is becoming more attentive to the security of access to his electronic devices. Changes passwords on the phone and in the mail, minimizes the messenger window when you enter the room, stopped throwing your smartphone in a visible place, whereas before it was lying around and looking for it only by the sound of an incoming call. When his wife tries to find out what such measures of secrecy are connected with, he is nervous and leaves the conversation or is rude, indicating that he "has every right." Well yes, it does. But it is this symptom that most often allows the wife to understand that there is still a rival.

Let's look at the situation from a different perspective. A man, like you, has every right to personal space and his own secrets.The secret may not lie in the mistress at all, but, for example, in the porn movie that he wants to watch, and here you enter the room. Of course, he will minimize the “window” on the monitor. Secrets can be associated with his professional duties, in the end, he is not obliged to show anyone what he is chatting with friends or old acquaintances, even if it is talking about fishing, discussing a match or us, dear women. As you know, this has nothing to do with cheating.

Psychology has nothing to do with it. No need to be a bloodhound with a keen sense of smell in order to feel that the husband began to smell differently. Traitors often fragrant new women's perfumes. And there's nothing to be done. The man himself may not notice this, not attach importance, because he “breathed” and got used to the smell of perfume, which he himself is now the carrier of. But the wife almost unmistakably identifies the smell of others and takes the stance of a hunting greyhound.

On the other hand, one should not exclude the possibility that at the workplace of your beloved one of the employees ineptly uses perfume and fragrances so that the entire department returns home in the evening with a wonderful train of French perfumes.

Exposing an unfaithful husband is the hardest part of the whole story. To collect a mass of arguments and not have a single weighty fact means not to collect anything. What if all indirect signs indicate betrayal, but there is nothing to prove it? Never mind. Our advice may seem strange, but a woman needs not to “get” and “strain” her spouse, but to create the most calm and even family psychological background. If there was a conversation with your husband about his possible betrayal, and he convinced you that this was not so, pretend that his words completely convinced you, ask forgiveness several times for suspecting him of adultery and assure him that you will never do this again you won’t.

After a few weeks of a calm and well-fed, measured life, the husband will relax completely. And just then he can make total mistakes that will help you find the missing "puzzle fact". Only James Bond is able to constantly lie and not be pierced, and even then only in the movies. In life, even experienced scouts make mistakes in situations where they are in visible, artificially created security. Counterintelligence of all countries is well aware of this and is actively using the method in their work to identify enemy spies.

It is possible to determine the actual evidence of possible marital infidelity by behavior, but this will take more time. Started to linger at work and do not pick up the mobile phone in the evenings? Call the work number, ask to invite him to the phone, tell me that it is urgent, since your apartment is flooded with neighbors from above. Firstly, it will help to find out if the husband is really at work, as he says, and secondly, it will give reason to reflect on whether he has “accomplices” among his colleagues. If someone knows where he really is at the moment, they will contact him and tell who the flood is in his apartment. The husband will immediately contact you himself. Then it will be possible to explain what you just thought.

It’s good if you know his friends, colleagues. No need, of course, to ask them direct and shameless questions. Even if they know something, they will be incredibly uncomfortable and it is unlikely that they will be able to find out the truth. But it is possible to find out in passing whether her husband has a large amount of additional work, because of which he began to linger so often.If the acquaintances of the traitor are not aware of his affair, they will enthusiastically assure that he has the same amount of work as before.

A husband who in every possible way avoids intimacy with his wife for a long time, referring to fatigue, should be urgently sent to the therapist for examination, for possible pathologies. It is clear that he can resist, all the more so since the traitor’s health is exactly the best. Make an appointment with him yourself, go with him. Do it gently and sympathetically: you worry about his health!

Do not turn into an amateur spy to check and find out if the husband is cheating. Sleepy, nervous, with circles under the eyes and shaggy hair, an eternally gloomy wife will scare anyone away. While you are creating a “visible security trap” for him, take the time to yourself: go to the hairdresser, put yourself in order, make sure that you appear in front of your husband in a decent and attractive form.

If the flow of reproaches and remarks addressed to you on his part does not decrease, if he does not cease to ignore your presence, then it is very likely that it is not about what kind of underwear or how you painted on, namely, that you are simply more he is not interested as a woman, but for some reason he doesn’t want to terminate the marriage. It should be noted that few go to break relations with his wife. Most unfaithful husbands prefer to keep the marriage, or rather, its appearance, since moving, the division of property, loans, children and the need to communicate with relatives are not included in his plans.

A husband who cheats on his wife cannot hide his secret forever. It is still possible to identify and recognize the truth, even if the man himself categorically denies the fact of adultery.

Going on a journey in search of evidence of spouse’s infidelity, one should be well aware that the descent from this “mountain” can be very painful. But climbing uphill, descent never make out.

Evidence for you can collect a private detective. This is his job, and it is neither bad nor good. It is not a shame or a scary to turn to such a specialist, who is now very much in every city. If you are being deceived and not ashamed of it, why should you be ashamed? If such an option is affordable for you and does not contradict your conscience, this will be the best you can think of. A surveillance specialist is usually a former organ worker, often retired. He has a lot of connections to “break through” the phone number of a person of interest, to establish the nature of the correspondence, to find out his whereabouts at one time or another, to track with whom and when he is meeting and to provide you with a full report, backed up by photos and videos. With such arguments, the traitor will not get anywhere, he will not be able to deny betrayal. If the private investigator does not detect the fact of treason, then most likely you will be ashamed. How to get out of this situation will have to be decided separately.

If there is no money for a private detective, then theoretically a woman can become one herself. Numerous programs will help in this: locators that help with a small, though accurate, location of the spouse.If he says that he sits at work and completes the report and this is likely to drag on all night, and the locator shows that the subscriber is in a completely different area of ​​the city, a couple of hours from the office, then this will be proof of a lie. But alas, not the fact of treason. After all, the husband can be with a friend in the suburbs and just drink beer in the bathhouse, so as not to make excuses to you and not report on his actions.

You can install a surveillance camera in his car. To do this, you need a small portable camera with good batteries that will send the image to your smartphone or computer. The system should be established by specialists, but if you want to understand this, a woman can do it herself. Security cameras in the apartment is also an option, especially if the woman often leaves on business. You can imitate a trip to work by going to a friend or mother for a couple of days. Camera recordings that the husband does not know about will help to understand the truth, unless, of course, he decides to bring the woman to your apartment.

You can follow your spouse before and after work, you can read his SMS and see the calls, write out the numbers to which he calls most often and check who they belong to by making calls on behalf of the Housing Office or a message from someone else's phone number under the pretext of a population census or some other good reason.

A smart and experienced family psychologist will never advise you on any of the above methods of obtaining evidence of husband’s infidelity. Already at least for the reason that they are all destructive. They kill confidence, understanding, feelings. They turn a woman into a tormented, nervous and tense creature, and at any moment such “spy games” can lead to a severe nervous breakdown. In addition, there is a risk that the surveillance and espionage will be disclosed by the partner, and then the relationship may end even if there was no betrayal at all.

It remains, again, to hope for a case and errors in the behavior of the partner. The most honest ways to find out the truth are always the most painful. This is the notorious shirt in someone else's lipstick, a forgotten element of underwear in the interior of the car, which you find when you go with your husband to visit or to the store; in the end, you can see him with his mistress accidentally kissing or hugging. It will be difficult to argue with such arguments, although, of course, the unfaithful husband will surely try to explain the presence of other people's underpants in the cabin by letting the car go on a date with a friend, and lipstick with the awkwardness of a female colleague who was walking down the aisle, stumbled and fell, accidentally touching lips to the shirt.

No expert in the field of psychology of family relations will give you the right and only right advice on what to do after the betrayal is confirmed. It all depends on what kind of person you are, what is your personal level of culture and what is permissible in your behavior, with what baggage of personal experiences you have come to this stage of your life. If the marriage has long been cracking at the seams, and it was going to a divorce, it is possible that it is the betrayal of the spouse will be the last point in your relationship history. It is more painful when a woman thought that everything was fine, and then the terrible truth revealed to her.

Regardless of what you plan to do next with these relationships, you need to talk with your husband, dot all the i. Try to maintain dignity, do not humiliate yourself, do not go to threats, blackmail, do not manipulate children, do not demand anything and do not force a man to humiliate himself. Just find out what he plans to do next. The responsibility for the situation lies with two, and the decision on what to do after the betrayal is also mutual. Remember this.

After the conversation, in fact, you do not have many options.You can collect things for your husband and drive him out of the house, you can leave yourself, you can stay both silent and shout loudly and piercingly, accusing each other of all sins. You can forgive a man and save the marriage, but you can not forgive and stop all contact with him. It all depends on how sick and difficult the relationship was at the time of the betrayal, as well as on the plans of the man himself. If, under the pressure of facts, he admits adultery, and declares that he intends to leave his family in order to stop all this completely, do not run after him, do not beg to stay, no matter how painful and painful. At any cost, preserve personal dignity, because men in life can be different, and self-esteem - only yours and you have it in a single copy.

The worst thing a woman who a husband betrayed can do is begin to take revenge on him. Report his actions to everyone around him, throw mud at the eyes of friends and relatives, arrange for his dismissal at work, file several lawsuits, accuse him of theft or violence, rumple and scratch his car, find his mistress’s address and show up with a bat in his hands . It’s not a way out and go into all seriousness itself, in revenge for scolded feelings. None of this will bring relief.

It is necessary to realize, accept the situation, understand that life has not ended, but is just beginning, and everything that lies ahead will be better than everything that is now. With this awareness, you can decide where and with whom to live next, do everything that was delayed for so long in marriage: go to sea, change jobs, image, finish courses of pilots or captains of small boats, jump with a parachute.

For signs of male adultery, see the next video.