How to survive a husband’s betrayal?

Male adultery is a fairly common occurrence. Russia in global statistics is one of the first places in the number of divorces due to marital infidelity. According to these statistics, up to 75% of men and only 25% of women change. And, absolutely, none of the fair sex is safe from a situation in which a betrayal of a spouse will come out, will become known. On the Internet you can find hundreds of articles on how to bring your husband to clean water, but it’s hard to find really useful materials with effective tips on how to survive a partner’s betrayal.

Those who say that there is nothing tragic in this, “in life, and this does not happen,” are being cunning. For a woman of any age, social status, worldview and religion, cheating on a spouse or partner is always a great personal drama. And to minimize it is not necessary. On the contrary, you need to fully realize it and try to accept it in its entirety, without a trace, no matter how difficult it may seem in the first days after the revealed truth.

One of the first questions a deceived woman asks herself is the question “why?”. She tried, prepared, gave him the best years, brought beauty, gave birth to children, tried for him, and he went “to the left”. The second question is the question of what to do now.Some still capture the stage of another classic question - who is to blame, but such self-digging does not bring to good, it is not worth starting.

So, the question of why this happened was puzzled at various times by such great minds of mankind as Sigmund Freud and Karl Gustav Jung. Today, sociologists who regularly conduct sociological surveys and questionnaires, as well as psychologists and psychotherapists who are looking for a variety of ways to help people who are in the "cocoon" of betrayal and the collapse of their personal lives, try to give an answer to this question.

Sociologists recently published interesting results of an anonymous survey. The interviewed questionnaire asked two questions - “Have you cheated on your spouse?” and "What were the reasons for this?" The survey results speak for themselves and deserve to be published.

• Sexual dissatisfaction in marriage - 9% of men. That is, the version that “they are all males” does not stand up to criticism. Only nine men out of a hundred go “to the side” due to lack of sex in the family, its unsatisfactory quality, and so on. It should be noted that it is quite natural for a man to desire a sharpness and novelty of sensations, but the majority sends “to the left” only when the passion in the family bed fades away completely. Moreover, the number of sexual acts may be normal, but here is the quality ... In any case, this is only 9%.
• The desire to feel love and feel happy, desired - 14% of the stronger sex. Strong emotions are needed not only by a woman, but also by a man. And if women, prone to empathy, may well make up for some moderate deficit of feelings by watching a sentimental series, then this number does not work with men.

• New love - 7% of men. This is the case from which no one is really safe. Interestingly, 20% of women checked this box. That is, men truly fall in love and leave the family (or stay, but turn their life and the life of their wife into hell) much less often than the fairer sex. The reason is respectful, but it is she who is experienced the hardest of the second side, which her husband, it turns out, betrayed.
• Self-assertion, gaining self-confidence, which for some reason was lacking in marital relations - 10% of men. Such motives for infidelity are usually found in men who have been "tucked up" since childhood, who were kept by their mother in the "hedgehog gauntlet", and then he got a no less powerful and strong wife. A man wants to be at least sometimes. Such men usually do not go anywhere from their wives. Fear.
• Long separation - 12% of the stronger sex. Here the options are darkness, and business trips, the duration of which is measured in months, or even years, and a fashionable democratic desire to live a little separately to think about. There may be any reason, but the result is unchanged - the man who is here and now, and not the one who is far and long, becomes closer and dearer to the man. Forecasts for saving the family, alas, are not very favorable.
• Boredom and routine - 4% of men. This motivation is usually found among representatives of the stronger sex, whose family life was very measured - everything is laid out on the shelves, everything is known in advance, everything is planned for a couple of years exactly. At some point, an adventurer wakes up in a man. Not in everyone. AT 4%.

• For no reason, just like that, without any intent - 13% of men. A very interesting point in the questionnaire, which testifies, rather, not to the spontaneity of the man’s actions, but to the fact that he himself is difficult to figure out the reasons why he did this.Probably, there is a combination of reasons, and therefore it is difficult to single out the main one. Just turned up a case (corporate party, a party with friends without a wife and so on), which was a sin not to use. Many men, sobering up, feel shame, and try to avoid such situations in the future.
• Revenge for betrayal of a partner - 1% of men. In revenge of the beloved for her infidelity, units of the stronger sex are being changed. This is not their style.

Does a cheated wife need to analyze the reasons for her husband’s deed? Rather, no, but there's no getting around it - this is the first and most difficult stage in overcoming a deep personal drama. Even if the man himself tells why he did this, the woman will still analyze, recall, compare in her head the events of the last days, months, years to understand when and where the prerequisites for the reasons for the betrayal on the part of the partner arose. Therefore, to enrich life experience, you will have to talk to yourself on this topic.

A lot for a woman after an unsightly truth has opened up depends on how a man behaves after all that has happened. It is much easier to survive the situation for those whose repentant husbands are kneeling under the balcony and beg forgiveness for the third day. But this sometimes does not save, although a woman puts a “tick” for self-esteem, this is unconditional.

More often than not, men act quite differently than in the movies. Some silently collect belongings and go to a friend, to mom, to the cottage to wait out the storm there. Others remain, but feel terribly awkward, and try not to communicate almost with their offended wife, disappearing at work or in the garage. This is their way of waiting out the storm. Still others move on to attack tactics - they begin to accuse the wife of what was possible (“look at yourself”, “what did you do for me to rush home?”, “It’s my fault” and so on).

The latter type deserves a separate explanation. If in such a situation the delinquent husband begins to psychologically push, shift his guilt to a partner - this is a rather weak type of men, incapable of responsible behavior and taking his own actions. To be happy with such a man is very, very difficult, almost impossible, and therefore betrayal can be regarded as a blessing, based on the good old principle - whatever God does, everything is for the better. In other cases, different options are possible.

The great misconception of a suffering woman is that she sincerely believes that only she suffers. Solely. On a galactic scale, no less. In fact, a man for the most part also feels unhappy - his family is crumbling, his usual life, in which his wife, believe me, plays far from the last role. The range of feelings of the offending husband will depend on how he was brought up, in what environment he lives, what principles are accepted in this environment.

Feeling of guilt is characteristic of men, there is no doubt about it. But they used to express it in different ways. Therefore, one will go on a calm and adult conversation, and the other will be unbalanced and irritable. In general, the variability of behavioral reactions in representatives of the stronger sex, convicted of treason, can be wide.What a woman does not need to do in any of the situations, regardless of the partner’s behavior, is to put pressure on him, demand an apology, an explanation, do not give him lectures on morality and do not insult him and herself. No matter how the husband behaves, it is important to maintain inner dignity and external (at least visible) calm.

Not even the most eminent psychologist, not one girlfriend, no one in the whole world will be able to give an exact answer to this question. Only a woman herself must answer him, given the pros and cons. It is better to do this at least after a few days, when the most violent emotions calm down a little. There is no need to talk about a calm, balanced decision in this case, because it will be painful both in a week and in a month. This pain is always from childhood. We all remember how we were worried and offended if our parents took us to our grandmother and went to the cinema ourselves. And the world collapsed when it seemed that they did not want to take us from the kindergarten. That's exactly when a person lays the foundation of resentment and the first idea of ​​betrayal.

A husband is a person whom you believed, trusted, with whom you decided to live your life. But he did not appreciate anything! Remember, cherishing your own sense of betrayal in many ways resembles children's insults. She makes you a victim, not the mistress of her own life.

Make a decision about whether to forgive or not, strictly from the position of the hostess. If you forgive, you do this not because “you don’t need anyone else,” “I won’t give it to her anyway,” and so on, but because you clearly understand why and why you need to save your family. If a woman is tormented by hatred, she does not have the strength to concentrate on something, she does not want anything, then it is better to wait a while with the decision on forgiveness.

Take a piece of paper, write down your husband’s merits and advantages of living with him on one side, and his shortcomings and your negative feelings after his betrayal on the other. This will help to weigh the solution at least a little.

Forgiving, remember that you run the risk of hammering and ramming your own grudge so deep into your subconscious mind that health problems are not ruled out later. Remember that there may no longer be former trust, that further relationships may be neurotic and exhausting, which one day will lead to divorce anyway.

In fairness, remind yourself that there are a fairly large number of families that successfully coped with such a crisis, overcame it and were able not only to save the family as a unit of society, but also their relationships in this family. And in very rare cases, couples manage to achieve harmony in a relationship that previously did not exist, that is, their life is improving.

If you decide not to forgive, and start life from scratch, do not put off such a great idea until Monday or New Year. To survive the separation, to forget about the betrayal will turn out, of course, not immediately. But if you decide that your life is only yours, then you are already on the right track. The way out of this situation is a broad and deep topic. Not everything will turn out right away, sometimes it will be bad at heart, and it will be almost impossible to cope with mental pain alone. To get rid of hard experience, you need to survive it to the end. These are the rules of this game.

The first stage is rejection. A woman does not believe that this is possible, she cannot come to terms with the situation. At this stage, the main thing is “do not break firewood”. It is better to be alone, to try to accept the situation as it is, without counselors. The second stage is a protest. The woman accepted the fact and actively protests against the situation - silently or loudly.At this stage, it is best to meet and talk with your best friend or boyfriend, with any person you trust. So it will be easier to move on to the third stage - humble acceptance.

In this state, women often feel emptied. Strange as it may seem, children, parents, friends in need of help and work will help get out of depression. At this stage, it is important to paint your day in minutes, not to spare time for relatives, friends, to help them. So gradually the last stage will come - insight. Moreover, one day a woman wakes up and realizes that she is still “nothing”, that you just need to “change your haircut and wardrobe”, calm down.

Preserving relations in the family after the betrayal of the husband is possible only with the mutual sincere desire of both spouses. At a certain moment, that very decisive conversation will surely take place, when both calm down and think. With him, it is important not to blame or reproach the partner, but to tell him everything that you feel from the first person, using "I" instead of "You." Forgiving is not as difficult as it seems, but starting to trust then is much more difficult. A man who sincerely wants to establish relations with his wife, most likely, will not create doubtful and twofold situations in which his wife will be psychologically uncomfortable.

If the family was on the verge of divorce before the betrayal, it will be very difficult to establish relations. Spouses can communicate as much as they like, but to believe each other and stop thinking about what happened is a mission that is almost impossible. If the family decided to keep because of the children, then it is better not to. For normal and harmonious development, children need loving parents together, in extreme cases, happy and satisfied parents separately, but not a parody of a family that is uncomfortable, cold, no one communicates with anyone, and everyone is unhappy.

Some simple advice will help a woman cope with a personal crisis after a husband’s betrayal. which can be used at any of the above stages of experiencing your grief:

• do not refuse invitations to go on a visit, go to the cinema with friends or children, go on a nature trip, on a picnic with nice people;
• do not aggravate the situation with alcohol, a glass of wine will not bring relief, suffering combined with a hangover is a difficult case at all;
• do not close for everything new - meet new people, change work and image, if you feel that the time has come, this will help increase self-esteem;
• do not blame your husband, do not “wash his bones” in conversations with parents and friends, do not make rumors, do not pour mud on a person - no matter what happens, no matter what happens later, it will not do you any honor;
• if you can’t cope with your feelings and emotions, do not hesitate to turn to a psychologist, psychotherapist for help, these specialists will help to verbalize anxiety and resentment, it will certainly become easier.

About whether it is worth forgiving treason, see the next video.